{"id":1405,"date":"2014-12-30T00:04:59","date_gmt":"2014-12-29T22:04:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1405"},"modified":"2014-12-30T00:04:59","modified_gmt":"2014-12-29T22:04:59","slug":"relationship-contract","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1405","title":{"rendered":"Relationship Contract"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><P>I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that&#8230;<\/P><br \/>\n<UL><\/p>\n<li>Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you&#8217;ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.<br \/>\n<UL><br \/>\n<LI>Section 1.01 And it&#8217;ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like &#8220;So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!&#8221; and howling like a cat that&#8217;s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.<\/LI><\/p>\n<p><LI>Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.<\/LI><br \/>\n<\/UL><\/li>\n<p><li>Section 2. I fully understand that a woman&#8217;s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that &#8211; by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman &#8211;<br \/>\nit will be my fault. Even if I wasn&#8217;t there.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl&#8217;s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.<br \/>\n<UL><br \/>\n<LI>Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.<\/LI><\/p>\n<p><LI>Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.<\/LI><br \/>\n<\/UL><\/p>\n<p><li>Section 4.  After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as &#8220;making love&#8221;), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.<br \/>\n<UL><br \/>\n<LI>Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a &#8220;cute&#8221; nickname.<\/LI><br \/>\n<\/UL><\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.<br \/>\n<UL><LI>Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I&#8217;ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.<\/LI><\/p>\n<p><LI>Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though  your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.<\/LI><\/p>\n<p><LI>Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby&#8217;s butt and\/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.<\/LI><\/p>\n<p><LI>Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard&#8230;<\/LI><\/UL><\/li>\n<\/p>\n<li>Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have &#8220;ruined me for other men&#8221;.<\/li>\n<li>Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you&#8217;re in charge of anything *mechanical*.<\/LI>\n<ul>\n<LI>Section 7.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.<\/LI><\/UL><br \/>\n<\/UL><\/p>\n<p><P>Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.<\/P><\/p>\n<p><P>Signed ____________________________________ (female)<\/P><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that&#8230; Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you&#8217;ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01 And it&#8217;ll be [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[429,621,1246],"class_list":["post-1405","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-for-men","tag-contract","tag-fantasy","tag-relationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1405","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1405"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1405\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1405"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1405"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1405"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}