{"id":1391,"date":"2014-12-29T23:32:34","date_gmt":"2014-12-29T21:32:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1391"},"modified":"2014-12-29T23:32:34","modified_gmt":"2014-12-29T21:32:34","slug":"the-perfect-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1391","title":{"rendered":"The Perfect Day"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><P ALIGN=CENTER><strong>For Her<\/strong><\/P><br \/>\n<UL><br \/>\n<LI>08:15  Wake-up to hugs and kisses.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>08:30  Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday. <\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>08:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>09:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>10:00  Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>10:30  Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>12:00  Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>12:45  Notice ex-boyfriend&#8217;s wife, she has gained 30 pounds.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>13:00  Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>15:00  Nap.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>16:00  3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>16:15  Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>17:30  Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>19:30  Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>22:00  Hot shower (alone).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>22:30  Make love.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>23:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>23:15  Fall asleep in his big strong arms.<\/LI><br \/>\n<\/UL><\/p>\n<p><P ALIGN=CENTER><strong>For Him<\/strong><\/P><br \/>\n<UL><br \/>\n<LI>06:00  Alarm. <\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>06:15  Get oral sex.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>06:30  Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>07:00  Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>07:30  Limo arrives.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>07:45  Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>08:15  Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, Sports Illustrated and Wall Street Journal).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>09:30  Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>09:45  Front nine at Augusta (2 under).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>11:45  Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens. <\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>12:15  Get oral sex.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>12:30  Back nine Augusta (4 under). <\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>14:15  Limo back to airport (Bombay martini).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>14:30  Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>15:15  Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>16:30  Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>17:00  G4 back home, massage &#038; hand job en-route by naked Elle McPhereson.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>18:45  Poop, shower and shave.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>19:00  Watch CNN news-flash:  Obama resigns; Hillary and Al Gore&#8217;s farm-animal video released and authenticated. <\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>19:30  Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>21:00  Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>21:30  Sex with three women.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>23:00  Massage and Jacuzzi.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>23:45  Bed (alone).<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>23:50  12 second, 4-octave, dog-leaves-the-room flatulence explosion.<\/LI><br \/>\n<LI>23:55  Giggle oneself to sleep.<\/LI><br \/>\n<\/UL><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For Her 08:15 Wake-up to hugs and kisses. 08:30 Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday. 08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants. 09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil. 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out. 12:00 Lunch with [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[36],"tags":[924,1145],"class_list":["post-1391","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-men-vs-womendating","tag-lists","tag-perfect-day"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1391","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1391"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1391\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1391"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1391"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1391"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}