{"id":1306,"date":"2014-12-28T01:07:45","date_gmt":"2014-12-27T23:07:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1306"},"modified":"2014-12-28T01:07:45","modified_gmt":"2014-12-27T23:07:45","slug":"i-love-her-but","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1306","title":{"rendered":"I Love Her, But&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<p align=\"center\">(A collection of men&#8217;s thoughts on their women.)<\/p>\n<ul>\n<LI>&#8230; she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.<br \/>\n&#8211;Howard, Dodge City, Kan.<\/LI><\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast.  Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she&#8217;d have?<br \/>\n&#8211;Ted, Wexford, Pa.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; what&#8217;s mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she&#8217;s cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I&#8217;m tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she&#8217;d do.<br \/>\n&#8211;Dave, Martha&#8217;s Vineyard, Mass.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it&#8217;s not on the list, it doesn&#8217;t get done.  Once, to be funny, I put &#8220;sex&#8221; on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn&#8217;t get done.<br \/>\n&#8211;Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; you can hear her eat soup from the next room.<br \/>\n&#8211;Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; when she gets an idea in her head, there&#8217;s no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it&#8217;s done. It&#8217;s not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it&#8217;s to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.<br \/>\n&#8211;Jim, Minneapolis<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.<br \/>\n&#8211;Miles, Shreveport, La.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; every so often boom! she&#8217;s a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead.  Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.<br \/>\n&#8211;Cary, Seattle<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she&#8217;ll brush her teeth but she won&#8217;t go to the dentist. She says she&#8217;s not afraid of the pain, she just doesn&#8217;t want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who&#8217;d choose to be a dentist.<br \/>\n&#8211;Terence, Gary, Ind.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she&#8217;s stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she&#8217;s a natural blonde.<br \/>\n&#8211;Ned, Tucson, Ariz.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.<br \/>\n-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you&#8217;d be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?<br \/>\n&#8211;Arthur, Cedar City, Utah<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; my wife&#8217;s allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed.  If I kissed her on the mouth, she&#8217;d suffocate.<br \/>\n&#8211;Bryan, Toledo, Ohio<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, &#8221; &#8230; and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning &#8230;&#8221;<br \/>\n&#8211;Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; in bed I&#8217;m her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I&#8217;d like to be me.<br \/>\n&#8211;Neil, Orlando, Fla.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she wears these false eyelashes. She left &#8217;em lying around and I slammed &#8217;em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.<br \/>\n&#8211;Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she takes those soaps too seriously. I&#8217;ll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy&#8217;s having a fictional affair.<br \/>\n&#8211;Archie, St. Louis<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they&#8217;re crowded and plebeian. She doesn&#8217;t even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.<br \/>\n&#8211;Conrad, Wilmington, Del.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; it annoys her that our children look like me.<br \/>\n&#8211;James, New Orleans<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; counting my wife and our teenage girls, that&#8217;s four women.  Somebody&#8217;s always got PMS.<br \/>\n&#8211;Everett, Little Rock, Ark.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<p><li>&#8230; with five kids, I don&#8217;t have time to complain about my wife.  I don&#8217;t have time to notice her.<br \/>\n&#8211;Bob, Charleston, W.Va.<\/li>\n<\/p>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>(A collection of men&#8217;s thoughts on their women.) &#8230; she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt. &#8211;Howard, Dodge City, Kan. &#8230; she was furious when I got up [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[924,938,1536],"class_list":["post-1306","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-for-men","tag-lists","tag-love","tag-women"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1306","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1306"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1306\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1306"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1306"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1306"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}