{"id":1102,"date":"2014-12-26T19:16:23","date_gmt":"2014-12-26T17:16:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/joke-archives.com\/fun\/?p=1102"},"modified":"2014-12-26T19:16:23","modified_gmt":"2014-12-26T17:16:23","slug":"101-things-not-to-say-during-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/?p=1102","title":{"rendered":"101 Things Not to Say During Sex"},"content":{"rendered":"
    \n
  1. But everybody looks funny naked!<\/li>\n
  2. You woke me up for that?<\/li>\n
  3. Did I mention the video camera?<\/li>\n
  4. Do you smell something burning?<\/li>\n
  5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…<\/li>\n
  6. Try breathing through your nose.<\/li>\n
  7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!<\/li>\n
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?<\/li>\n
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?<\/li>\n
  10. But whipped cream makes me break out.<\/li>\n

  11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
    \nPerson 2: Yeah.. today<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
  12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!<\/li>\n
  13. Can you please pass me the remote control?<\/li>\n
  14. Do you accept Visa?<\/li>\n
  15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ<\/li>\n
  16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.<\/li>\n
  17. And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!<\/li>\n
  18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.<\/li>\n
  19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?<\/li>\n
  20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…<\/li>\n
  21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!<\/li>\n
  22. Do you get any premium movie channels?<\/li>\n
  23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!<\/li>\n
  24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!<\/li>\n
  25. Got any penicillin?<\/li>\n
  26. But I just brushed my teeth…<\/li>\n
  27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!<\/li>\n
  28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!<\/li>\n
  29. I want a baby!<\/li>\n
  30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!<\/li>\n
  31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?<\/li>\n
  32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…<\/li>\n
  33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?<\/li>\n
  34. I think you have it on backwards.<\/li>\n
  35. When is this supposed to feel good?<\/li>\n
  36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!<\/li>\n
  37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!<\/li>\n
  38. Is that blood on the headboard?<\/li>\n
  39. Did I remember to take my pill?<\/li>\n
  40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?<\/li>\n
  41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…<\/li>\n
  42. That leak better be from the waterbed!<\/li>\n
  43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!<\/li>\n
  44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..<\/li>\n
  45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?<\/li>\n
  46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..<\/li>\n
  47. No, really… I do this part better myself!<\/li>\n
  48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!<\/li>\n
  49. This would be more fun with a few more people..<\/li>\n
  50. You’re almost as good as my ex!<\/li>\n
  51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?<\/li>\n
  52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?<\/li>\n
  53. You look younger than you feel.<\/li>\n
  54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.<\/li>\n
  55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!<\/li>\n
  56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.<\/li>\n
  57. Now I know why he\/she dumped you…<\/li>\n
  58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?<\/li>\n
  59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.<\/li>\n
  60. What tampon?<\/li>\n
  61. Have you ever considered liposuction?<\/li>\n
  62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!<\/li>\n
  63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?<\/li>\n
  64. I have a confession…<\/li>\n
  65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!<\/li>\n
  66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?<\/li>\n
  67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?<\/li>\n
  68. Is that a hanging sculpture?<\/li>\n
  69. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?<\/li>\n
  70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?<\/li>\n
  71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!<\/li>\n
  72. Did you come yet, dear?<\/li>\n
  73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…<\/li>\n
  74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!<\/li>\n
  75. Does this count as a date?<\/li>\n
  76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!<\/li>\n
  77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.<\/li>\n
  78. I think biting is romantic – don’t you?<\/li>\n

  79. Q: You can cook, too right?
    \nA: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
  80. When would you like to meet my parents?<\/li>\n

  81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
    \nWoman: Yourself?<\/li>\n<\/p>\n
  82. Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?<\/li>\n
  83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.<\/li>\n
  84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.<\/li>\n
  85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?<\/li>\n
  86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?<\/li>\n
  87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.<\/li>\n
  88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!<\/li>\n
  89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!<\/li>\n
  90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!<\/li>\n
  91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…<\/li>\n
  92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.<\/li>\n
  93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!<\/li>\n
  94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!<\/li>\n
  95. Is this a sin too?<\/li>\n
  96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!<\/li>\n
  97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?<\/li>\n
  98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…<\/li>\n
  99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…<\/li>\n
  100. How long do you plan to be “almost there”?<\/li>\n
  101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead… Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[36],"tags":[924,992,1310],"class_list":["post-1102","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-men-vs-womendating","tag-lists","tag-men-vs-women","tag-sex"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1102","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1102"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1102\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1102"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1102"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.joke-archives.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1102"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}