- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Tag Archives: women
Reasons Why Handguns are Better than Women
- You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
- You can trade a .44 for two .22’s.
- You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
- If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
- Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.
- Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
- A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
- Handguns function normally every day of the month.
- A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”
- A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.
- You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
- A handgun doesn’t care how big your trigger finger is.
- A handgun won’t tell all of its friends if you are a “little fast on the trigger”…
Reasons Why Guitars are Better Than Women
- A guitar has a volume knob
- If you break a guitar’s G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one
- You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
- You can unplug a guitar
- You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
- Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
- You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
- You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
- You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
- If your guitar doesn’t make sounds you like, you can retune it
- You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
- If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
- You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
- If you scratch a guitar’s back, it’s unintentional, not required
- You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
- It’s good to have a guitar that’s stretched out.
- You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed
- You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
- You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
- You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
- A guitar doesn’t take half of everything you own when you sell it.
Why It’s Great to be a Woman
- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
- We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
- No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
- We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
- We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
I’m Glad I’m A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
Ways to Drive a Woman Crazy
- Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
- Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
- Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
- Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
- Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
- Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
- Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
- Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
- Never give her a straight answer.
- Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
- Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
- Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
- Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
- Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
Difficult Women
- SERVER woman:
She’s always busy when you need her. - WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but none can live without her. - POWERPOINT woman:
Only Bill Gates has the will to use her more than half an hour. - EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things, but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. - WORD woman:
She always has a surprise reserved for you, but no one in the world is able to fully understand her. - DOS woman:
Everyone has had her at least once, but no one wants her anymore. - BACKUP woman:
You have always believed that she has everything you need, but when “X-hour” comes, you find out that she has missed something. - VIRUS woman:
Also known as “wife”; when you are not expecting her to, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, but if you don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything. - SCANDISK woman:
You know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never know what she is really doing that for. - SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth anything, but at least she’s fun! - RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her. - HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything…. FOREVER. - MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful. - MICROSOFT woman:
She wants to have domination over all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them that this is the best thing for them. She will do the best she can to make you fight against other women, and she promises you that you will have everything you want if you will give her your address book. Before you figure it out, she will be the only one in your life… it will even come to the day when you will need her permission to open your refrigerator or start your car. - PASSWORD woman:
You think you’re the only one who knows her, but in reality all the world does…. - MP3 woman:
Everybody wants to take her… - USER woman:
She fucks up everything she does, and she always asks for more than she needs. - CPU woman:
From outside, she looks like she has everything, but on the inside she is empty… - MONITOR woman:
She makes life look better and brighter. - CD-ROM woman:
She’s always going faster and faster. - DATAWAREHOUSING woman:
She keeps you informed of everything, except what you really want to know. - E-MAIL woman:
Out of every ten things she says, eight are bullshit.
Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men
- It’s enjoyable hard or soft.
- It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
- It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it.
- You always want to swallow.
- It won’t complain if you share it with friends.
- It’s “quick and convenient”.
- You can enjoy it more than once.
- It comes already protectively wrapped.
- You can make it as large as you want.
- If you don’t finish it you can save it for later.
- It’s easier to get the kind you want.
- You can comparison shop.
- It’s easier to find in a grocery store.
- You can put it away when you’ve had enough.
- You know yours has never been eaten before.
- It won’t complain if you chew on it.
- It comes chocolate flavored.
- You always know when to get rid of it.
- You can return it–satisfaction is guaranteed.
- It’s always ready to go.
- You won’t get arrested if you eat it in public.
- You don’t have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
- It won’t wake you up because it’s hard.
- You don’t have to find an excuse not to eat it.
- You can tell your friends how much you’ve eaten without sounding like you’re bragging.
- It won’t take up room in your bed.
- It’s easy to pick up.
- You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
- You know what the extra weight is from.
- It won’t get jealous if you pick up another one.
- It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
- It is very pliable.
Continuing Education Courses for Women
- Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
- The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
- Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
- Parties: Going Without New Outfits
- Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until… After the Game
- Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
- Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
- Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You…
- Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not the First
- Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
- Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
- Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
- Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
- Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
- Introduction to Parking
- Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
- Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
- Water retention: Fact or Fat
- Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
- Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
- Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
- Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
- PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
- Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
- Sex – It’s For Married Couples, Too
- Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
- Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
- Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
- Ballet: For Women Only
- Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
- Learning to Go in Public Restrooms
- Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
- “Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?” – Why Men Lie
- TV Remotes: For Men Only
How To Survive With Women
Treat Them Like Your Car!
- Give it a regular, thorough going over.
- Touch up the exterior.
- Rub it down nicely.
- Make sure it’s waxed regularly.
- Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting?
- Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
- Change the lubrication.
- Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
- Keep an eye out for bald patches.
- Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
- Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
- Check for spare tire and any handles.
- Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
- Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
- Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
- Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
- Ensure that it responds well to you when you’re in the driving seat.
- Make sure it’s always clean inside.