Tag Archives: song

The Beer Drinker’s Lament

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(Sung to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second you’d assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you’ve been sitting on my legs and I can’t feel them anymore.
And now you’re sitting on my face, my nose has vanished – not a trace.
I only hope that you’re big knickers aren’t made of liquorice lace.
I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you’re half cut.
I can’t believe, I’m lying here.
It’s all ‘cos of that f**king evil drink that we call beer.
You can sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I’m getting scared.
There’s nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I’ve just filled up with water.
It’s time to go, run out the door.
She’s started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don’t think there’s anything worse Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
I will survive, I will survive, I will survive!

Walkies

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(To the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central

jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle,
oh…

Just hear those dog tags jingling
Ring ting tingling too
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a walkie together with you

Oh it’s just like Iditarod
Pulling you on the ice
We’ve got the leashes in our mouths
We’re not gonna ask twice

Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let’s go
We’ll eat all the snow
We’ll drag you around till your cheeks glow
Giddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it’s grand
Tugging at your hand
We’re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that’s grand

The other dogs are out there now
Making tracks in the snow
All the best smells are fading fast
To the park we must go

So grab that leash and hurry up
Anxious doggies are we
We’re loaded up with water
So we can mark every tree!

Reprieve

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(to the tune of “Let it Snow”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central

Oh the snow in the yard is yellow
Thanks to our doggie fellow
But the droppings sink way down low
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

So the scooper sits rusting outside
As we wait for Spring and “low tide”
The piles will wait down below
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

In the warmth of the summer sun
We must scoop every day in the yard
But as soon as the winter comes
Finding the stuff gets quite hard

While the piles sit there fertilizing
Our backs aren’t exercising
Our rest is short, this we know
(please)
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!

Markin’ Around the Christmas Tree

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(to the tune of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)

Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
What a doggie holiday
Just doin’ what comes naturally
Even though it’s Christmas Day

Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
Gotta squirt each present twice
Spreading our scent on all this stuff
It’s a doggie paradise

There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn
(but remember)
Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic
Hey – come on – it’s nothing drastic

Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We just do what boydogs do
Doin our duty gracefully
And we’ll share our loot with you

Markin’ around the Christmas tree
All precautions were in vain
We must own everything we see
So we stake our doggie claim

Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We don’t see the problem here
But if we’re caught we know that we
Will be dragged off by the ear

People shout and tell us we are evil little curs
(but remember)
We’re not trying to be snotty
YOU installed this indoor potty

Markin’ around the Christmas Tree
Gonna check our list off twice
When Santa visits, we know he
Can just sniff out who is NICE!

Doggie Smells

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(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Copyright 1996 Dogmama and Detroit Download Central

Dashing through the park
With our noses to the ground
Walking on our ears
Pretending to be hounds
Not using our eyes
We navigate by smell
If its over an inch high
Then, it’s got a tale to tell

Oh, Doggie smells
Doggie smells
Outside of our home
Oh we love those doggie smells
When on the leash we roam

Doggie smells
Doggie smells
Marking every tree
All our other doggie friends
Have stopped right here to pee!

Write in C

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Sung to the tune of “Let it Be” by the Beatles

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.

Losing My Connection

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by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Apologies to REM)

Windoze is bigger
It’s bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up

That’s me in the corner
That’s me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with Linux
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven’t bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I’m
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.

Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream

I hope that was a dream…

I Want My FTP

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(Sung to the tune of “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits)

I want my
I want my
I want my FTP.

Now look at them yo-yo’s that’s the way you do it
You get the files from the FTP
That ain’t programming, that’s the way you do it
Programs for nothing and the code is free
Now that ain’t programming, that’s the way you do it
Let me tell you those guys aren’t pissed
Maybe break a nail on your little finger,
Maybe get some numbness in your wrist.

We’ve got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We’ve got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs
Yeah buddy he’s got root
That little user got his own workstation
That little user got his own disk to boot.

We’ve got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We’ve got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

I should’ve learned to run xarchie
I should’ve learned to play them games
Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor
Man we could have some fun
And he’s up there, what’s that? Orgasm noises?
Playing sound files like a grade-school geek
That ain’t programming that’s the way you do it
Get your programs for nothing get your code for free.

We’ve got to install operating systems
Custom software delivery
We’ve got to move these manual pages
RTFM those RFCs.

Now that ain’t programming, that’s the way you do it
You get your programs from the FTP
That ain’t programming that’s the way you do it
Programs for nothing and your code for free
Programs for nothing and code for free.

Home On The Web

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(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)
Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu

Oh give me a site,
Where the links all work right,
One that doesn’t take too long to load.
Where the text can be seen,
On my 13-inch screen,
One that offers a “no-Java” mode.

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Though your video files
Give your pages some style
I can’t read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
Crash my system, I’ve found,
So please put in some “alt” tags for me!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Please don’t ask me to “chat”
With your favorite cat;
I don’t have an IRC code.
And don’t ask me to buy
Games for Win 95.
My PC is way too darn old!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Browser Blues

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(Sung to Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz”)

Oh Lord won’t you find me a browser that works
I’m tired of all this trashware, I’m tired of all these jerks
Worked hard all my life, Lord, no time for these quirks
So Lord won’t you find me a browser that works

Oh Lord, bought a puter that came with IE,
Small drive though, want FireFox, less bloated ya see.
Went through the install, defaults to IE,
Oh Lord, bought a puter that came with IE.

Oh Lord, I called Redmond, for help with the mess,
Must have been lots others, least-wise I guess.
Heard “All circuits are busy”, and then just a hiss,
Oh Lord, I called Redmond, for help with the mess.

Oh Lord, I was desperate, turned to Ing,
With question in hand, just another postee.
Found answers, trashed Windows 8, and tried BSD.
Oh Lord, I love them, they fixed it for me.