You May Be a True Elementary School Teacher If…

  • Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
  • Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?
  • Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
  • Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
  • Do you refer to happy hour as “snack time?”
  • Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
  • Do you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?
  • Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
  • Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
  • Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
  • Do you fold your spouse’s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
  • Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?

If you answered yes to 4 or more, it’s in your soul — you are hooked on teaching. And if you’re not a teacher, you missed your calling.

If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it’s *too much* in your soul — you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

If you answered yes to all 12, forget it — you’ll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!

Elementary School Excuses

  • “Jerry was at his grandmother’s yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn’t remember where the school was.”
  • “Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.”
  • “Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.”
  • “Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.”
  • “Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting.”
  • “It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.”
  • “Scott didn’t practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.”
  • “Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.”
  • “Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2am.”
  • “Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.”

The Sky is Falling!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

10 Ways to Get Thrown Out of Chemistry Lab

  1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
  2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
  3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
  4. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
  5. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
  6. Deny the existence of chemicals.
  7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
  8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
  9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.
  10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

English Education at its Finest

Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!

  • Earth Science

    • Q: Name the four seasons.
      A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    • Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
      A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    • Q: How is dew formed?
      A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    • Q: What is a planet?
      A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
  • Sociology

    • Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
      A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
    • Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
      A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
  • Biology

    • Q: What happens to your body as you age?
      A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
    • Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
      A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    • Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
      A: Premature death.
    • Q: What is artificial insemination?
      A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
    • Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
      A: Keep it in the cow.
    • Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
      A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    • Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
      A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
    • Q: What is a terminal illness?
      A: When you are sick at the airport
  • Technology

    • Q: What is a turbine?
      A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
  • Religious Education

    • Q: What is a Hindu?
      A: It lays eggs.

The Bright Student

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Johnny: “Pants”

Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of
excitement?” Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.”

A Brief History of Time

  • 3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
  • 2900 B.C. – Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world’s Seven Great Wonders.
  • 1850 B.C. – Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They’ve finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
  • 1785 B.C. – The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
  • 1768 B.C. – Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
  • 776 B.C. – The world’s first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world’s first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
  • 525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women’s shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
  • 410 B.C. – Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
  • 404 B.C. – The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
  • 214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.
  • 1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
  • 79 A.D. – Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
  • 432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
  • 1000 – Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it’s not worth mentioning.
  • 1043 – Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
  • 1125 – Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you’re in the XXXVI percent bracket?
  • 1233 – The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
  • 1297 – The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
  • 1433 – Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
  • 1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
  • 1492 – Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
  • 1497 – Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself…the United States of Vespuccia!
  • 1508 – Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
  • 1513 – Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
  • 1522 – Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
  • 1568 – Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
  • 1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.
  • 1618 – Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
  • 1642 – Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
  • 1670 – The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
  • 1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
  • 1758 – New Jersey is chosen as the site of America’s first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
  • 1763 – The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
  • 1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
  • 1773 – Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act “barbaric,” noting that no one added cream.
  • 1776 – Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
  • 1779 – John Paul Jones notifies the British, “I have just begun to fight!” and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
  • 1793 – “Let them eat cake!” becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
  • 1799 – Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don’t say anything important. “Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine.”
  • 1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
  • 1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
  • 1815 – Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
  • 1840 – William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, “Tippecanoe and Tyler too” is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
  • 1850 – Henry Clay announces, “I’d rather be right than president,” which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
  • 1859 – Charles Darwin writes “Origin of the Species”. It has the same general plot as “Planet of the Apes”, but fails to gross as much money.
  • 1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.
  • 1894 – Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
  • 1903 – The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
  • 1910 – The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
  • 1911 – Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he’s suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
  • 1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
  • 1920 – The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don’t stop!
  • 1924 – Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won’t cause any more trouble.
  • 1928 – Herbert Hoover promises “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage,” but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
  • 1930 – Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn’t discovered until 1938.
  • 1933 – German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.
  • 1933 – Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
  • 1934 – John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn’t enjoy the movie either.
  • 1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
  • 1938 – Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
  • 1944 – Hitler’s promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they’ve won the war doesn’t prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

A Rough Crowd

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

The Answering Machine at School

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
  • To complain about what we do – Press 3
  • To cuss out staff members – Press 4
  • To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
  • To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!

A History of Teaching Math

  • Teaching Math in 1950
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
  • Teaching Math in 1960
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
  • Teaching Math in 1970
    A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?
  • Teaching Math in 1980
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
  • Teaching Math in 1990
    By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
  • Teaching Math in 1996
    By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
  • Teaching Math in 2000
    A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
  • Teaching Math in 2011
    A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?