I Watched An Ant…

I watched an ant
climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top,
his weight bent the blade
down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax
with insectile precision,
he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner,
He traveled across the lawn,
covering as much distance vertically
as he did horizontally,
which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once,
I had what is sometimes
called an “epiphany”,
a moment of heightened awareness
in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant
on my hands and knees,
I suddenly knew
what I had to do…

Quit drinking before noon.

A Broken Little Throw Away

He grabbed me by my slender waist
I could not kick or scream
He took me to a darkened room
Where we could not be seen
He then tore off my flimsy wrap
And looked upon my form
My lips were cold and damp and scared
Whilst his were hot and warm
His feverish lips he pressed to mine
I gave him every drop
He drained me of my very self
I could not make him stop
He made me what I am today
That’s why you find me here
A broken little throw away
That once was full of beer.

Beer Guts of America

My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody’s bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody’s brand new car.

Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water.

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it’s a friend who’s always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer

Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho’s wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz ’cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door

I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said “I’ve never seen one big as that.”
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
“Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild.”

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it’s a friend who’s always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.

A Dog’s Poem

The dogs they had a meeting.
And they come from near and far.
Some came on bicycles,
And some of them came by car.
Y’know, before they could enter,
Or even take a look,
They had to take their asshole off,
And hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
Every mother, pup, and sire,
An old dog hollered from the back,
“Run for your life. It’s a FIRE!”
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
And nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the nearest asshole,
Off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
A dog will drop a nice juicy bone,
And go to smell another dog’s ass,
To see if it’s not his own.

Dog Haiku

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds — I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy — come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man — come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot — no greater bliss — well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad –she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

Dig under the fence–why?
Because it is there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

I’m Glad I’m A Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

I’m Glad I’m A Man

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

Remember When…

A computer was something on tv
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean…
And ram was the cousin of a goat…

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a tv show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A cd was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2″ floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

I Don’t Wanna

I don’t wanna do the dishes,
I don’t wanna do the wash;
I sprinkled clothes a week ago,
And now my iron is lost!!

I don’t wanna rattle pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I see the mail light flashin’,
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped;
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place I can stop!

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves

They could sprinkle fairy dust,
and twitch their little nose.
The windows would be sparkling;
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’,
My head is in the sky;
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath;
Doggy needs attention.
Wait! The other way around I mean –
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin’ round in circles,
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web chat,
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I’m not addicted,
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff can wait on me –
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

High Tech Mother Goose

Mother McGee went to drive C:
  to find her poor Windows a byte
But, when she enquired, all drive space expired
  And not even Stacker would put it right.

Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
  and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
  and explained how the function keys worked.

Jack and Jill are married still
  but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she’s fond of a Mac
  and RISC makes both of them wary.

Mary had a little Lan
  Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
  Then part interest in a computer store.