Man is Like an Automobile…

  • As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
  • The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
  • The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
  • The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
  • It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
  • His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the ‘low position’ and ya can’t get anywhere that way.
  • But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

  • Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
    Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?
  • Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
    Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn’t have the words “burger”, “king”, or “happy meal” in their advertising??
  • Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
    Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven’t seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.
  • Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
    Do not say: could you prove to me you’re not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
  • Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
    Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
  • Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
    Do not say: could you move out?
  • Do say: would you get out of my life?
    Do not say: could you get out of my life?
  • Notice how different these two statements are.
    A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say “would”.

What a Man Hears

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear
if we don’t do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Why A Man Can’t Win

  • If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
  • If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
  • If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
  • If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
  • If she has a boring repetitive job woith low pay, this is exploitation.
  • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
  • If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
  • If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
  • If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
  • If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
  • If you cry, you are a wimp.
  • If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.
  • If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
  • If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
  • If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
  • If she asks you, it’s a favor.
  • If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
  • If you don’t, you are a fag.
  • If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
  • If you don’t, you are unromantic.
  • If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
  • If you don’t, you are a slob.
  • If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
  • If you don’t you are not ambitious.
  • If she has a headache, she is tired.
  • If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
  • If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
  • If you don’t, there must be someone else.

Insider’s Guide to the Male Vocabulary

  • “Haven’t I seen you before?”
    “Nice butt.”
  • “I’m a Romantic.”
    “I’m poor.”
  • “I need you.”
    “My hand is tired.”
  • “I am different from all the other guys.”
    “I am not circumcised.”
  • “I want a commitment.”
    “I’m sick of playing with myself.”
  • “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
    “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”
  • “I really want to get to know you better.”
    “So I can tell my friends about it.”
  • “It’s just orange juice, try it.”
    “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”
  • “She’s kinda cute.”
    “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”
  • “I don’t know if I like her.”
    “She won’t sleep with me.”
  • “I miss you so much.”
    “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”
  • “Was it good for you?”
    “I’m insecure about my manhood.”
  • “How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
    “Is my love tool really that small?”
  • “I had a wonderful time last night.”
    “Who the hell are you?”
  • “Do you love me?”
    “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”
  • “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
    “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”
  • “How much do you love me?”
    “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”
  • “I have something to tell you.”
    Get tested.”
  • “I’ll give you a call.”
    “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”
  • “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
    “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
  • “I think we should just be friends.”
    “You’re ugly.”
  • “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
    “Next!!!!”

Pure Male Bashing

  • What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
    Close the door
  • When do you care for a man’s company?
    When he owns it.
  • How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
    Three, if you slice them very thinly.
  • Why do men get married??
    So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more
  • What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
    A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and
    an ass to pay for it all.
  • How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
    His hand caught fire.
  • How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.
  • What did God say after creating man?
    I must be able to do better than that.
  • What did God say after she made Eve?
    “Practice makes perfect.”
  • Husband: Want a quickie?
    Wife: As opposed to what?
  • How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.
  • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They’re married.
  • Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
    So they can find their way back to the house.
  • Why are married women heavier than single women?
    Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
    Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
  • Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
  • He keeps a record of everything he eats. It’s called a tie.
  • What’s the quickest way to lose 180 lbs. of ugly fat?
    Divorce your husband.
  • What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower
    A widower
  • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    A widow.
  • Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
    Blonde men aren’t that clever either.
  • Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
    He wouldn’t ask for directions.

If Men Ruled The World

  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn’t help — you STILL wouldn’t remember!)
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s Day, too.
  • St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  • But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

How To Be Politically Correct When Talking About Men

He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass…
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine…
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes…
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

  • Make sure the man is conscious.
  • Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
  • Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
  • Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
  • Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
  • Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt.”

How Men Could Win

  • Call her the next day.
  • Always laugh at her jokes.
  • Tell her (truthfully!) that you can’t wait to see her again.
  • Offer her a back rub, without asking for one in return.
  • Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
  • Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she’s sick.
  • Write her a poem, even if it’s not very good.
  • Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
  • Bring her flowers for no reason.
  • Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
  • Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet, preferably chocolate.
  • Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
  • Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
  • Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
  • Remind her that you think she’s beautiful. Keep saying it. She’ll never get tired of this one!
  • Take a bubble bath together.
  • Watch a sappy movie with her.
  • Surprise her with a candlelight dinner.
  • Never stop trying to impress her.
  • Tell her you love her.
  • Never forget how much she means to you.