Useful Conversions

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:

  • Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter
    Eskimo Pi
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
    Won ton
  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash
    1 microscope
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
    1 bananosecond
  • Weight an evangelist carries with God
    1 billigram
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour
    Knot-furlong
  • 65.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling
    1 lite year
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone
    1 Rod Serling
  • Half of a large intestine
    1 semicolon
  • 1000 aches
    1 megahurtz
  • Basic unit of laryngitis
    1 hoarsepower
  • Shortest distance between two jokes
    A straight line
  • 454 graham crackers
    1 pound cake
  • 1 million-million microphones
    1 megaphone
  • 1 million bicycles
    2 megacycles
  • 2000 mockingbirds
    two kilomockingbirds
  • 10 cards
    1 decacards
  • 1 kilogram of falling figs
    1 Fig Newton
  • 1000 grams of wet socks
    1 literhosen
  • 1 millionth of a fish
    1 microfiche
  • 1 trillion pins
    1 terrapin
  • 10 rations
    1 decoration
  • 100 rations
    1 C-ration
  • 2 monograms
    1 diagram
  • 8 nickels
    2 paradigms
  • 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital
    1 I.V. League
  • 100 Senators
    Not 1 decision.

Concerts We Will Never See

  • Harley Davidson presents Culture Club
  • Armani presents Bruce Springsteen
  • Mothers Against Drunk Driving presents Everclear
  • Lipton Tea presents Boston
  • The Committee To Elect Al Gore presents Bush
  • Red Lobster presents Phish
  • Microsoft presents Bad Company
  • Piper Aircraft presents The Dead Kennedys
  • Ivory Soap presents Rob Zombie
  • Krispy Kreme Doughnuts presents Hole
  • Pepto Bismol presents Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Spice Girls
  • Weight Watchers presents Cake
  • Viagra presents Deep Purple
  • Dr. Scholl’s presents Korn
  • Preparation H presents The Butthole Surfers

You Know You Are Addicted to Coffee If…

  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road, Part 2

  • George W. Bush
    We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
  • Barack Obama
    The chicken had to be chased across the road by my security detail. They were supposed to clear the entire golf course because it is closed to everyone today – and any day I want to play golf!
  • Saddam Hussein
    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  • Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf
    All evil invader chickens must be slaughtered. The chickens are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. As our leader Saddam Hussein said, ‘God is grilling their thighs in hell.’
  • Al Gore
    I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
  • Bill Clinton
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
  • Ralph Nader
    The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
  • Pat Buchanan
    To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

  • Rush Limbaugh
    I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
  • Martha Stewart
    No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. And, did you know you can make the cutest little table decorations from the soft, downy feathers and a few artfully placed chicken droppings?
  • Jerry Falwell
    Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”
  • Dr. Seuss
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
  • Grandpa
    In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
  • Barbara Walters
    Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
  • John Lennon
    Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
  • Ronald Reagan
    What chicken?
  • Bill Gates
    I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
  • Albert Einstein
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
  • Johnny Cochran
    Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
  • The Bible
    And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

  • KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
  • PLATO: For the greater good.
  • ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
  • KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
  • TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
  • SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  • RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
  • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
  • HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
  • ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
    implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
  • LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken ‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
  • MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
  • MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
  • FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
  • RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
  • MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
  • JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
  • FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
  • OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
  • DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to crossroads.
  • EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
  • BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
  • RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
  • ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
  • COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Indications Canada is in Bad Shape

  • During a rather physical match against Norway, member of Canadian Curling Team arrested for “Assault with a Deadly Push-broom.”
  • National Olympic Training Facility now supplied by Ben Johnson Catering, Inc.
  • “Baywatch: Vancouver” canceled due to goose bumps.
  • Toronto and Montreal actively trying to trade for John Rocker.
  • Shockingly disproportionate ratio of moose to homicidal professional athletes.
  • Location: between North Dakota and North Pole.
  • Feather boa-clad Minnesota National Guard troops massing on the border to defend governor’s mansion against recent snowball incursions.
  • Sudden uptick in teenage moose pregnancies.
  • Trademark “Eh?” has given way to “Enh” accompanied by shrug.
  • Detroit begins to rival Los Angeles in sheer number of resident illegal aliens.
  • The Road to Heck now almost completely paved with maple leaves.
  • In effort to prop up national tragedy of sagging male egos, Parliament considers adding an “f” to the proud “Canuck” nickname.
  • Ten minutes of roughhousing with the kids leaves it — HOO! — breathless and sweaty.
  • Caught smuggling that fresh pine scent in from Michigan.

The Beast

  • 660 — Approximate number of The Beast
  • DCLXVI — Roman numeral of The Beast
  • 666.000000 — Number of the High Precision Beast
  • 0.666 — Number of the Millibeast
  • / 666 — Beast Common Denominator
  • 0.005015 — Reciprical of the Beast.
  • 666i — Imaginary number of The Beast
  • 1010011010 — Binary number of The Beast
  • 443556 — Square of the Beast
  • 2.8235 — Log of the beast
  • 6.5913 — Ln Beast
  • 1.738E289 — Anti-log of the beast
  • 6.66E2 –Scientific number of the Beast
  • 29A — Hexadecimal number of the Beast
  • 666! — Factorial of the Beast
  • 6, uh… what was that number again? — Number of the Blonde Beast
  • 1-666 — Area code of The Beast
  • 00666 — Zip code of The Beast
  • Mailto://666@hell.org — E-mail address of the beast
  • http://www.666.org.html — web-page of the Beast
  • 1-900-666-0666 — Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
  • $665.95 — Retail price of The Beast
  • $55.50 — Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly installments
  • $699.25 — Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax
  • $769.95 — Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
  • $656.66 — WalMart price of The Beast
  • $646.66 — Next week’s WalMart price of The Beast
  • Phillips 666 — Gasoline of The Beast
  • Route 666 — Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
  • 666 Minutes — Weekly news program about the Beast
  • 666 F — Oven temperature for roast Beast
  • 664 & 668 – Neighbours of the Beast
  • 666k — Retirement plan of The Beast
  • 666 mg — Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
  • 6.66 % — 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
  • Lotus 6-6-6 — Spreadsheet of The Beast
  • Word 6.66 — Word Processor of The Beast
  • i66686 — CPU of The Beast
  • 666-I — BMW of The Beast
  • 665.99999973 — Intel Pentium number of the Beast
  • 666 Sunset Strip — Old T. V. series about the Beast soon on Nick-At-Nite
  • DSM-666 (revised) — Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast
  • Windows 666 — Bill Gates’ personal Beast

Rejected Names for Beanie Babies

  • Shapiro the Snake
  • Wheezy the Emphysemic Rat
  • Tapey the Worm
  • Limpy the Octopalegic Centipede
  • Roadkill the Dog
  • Zsa Zsa the Boar
  • Retchy the Wino
  • Newtie the Embattled House Speaker
  • The Antelope Formerly Known as Prince
  • Truman Coyote
  • Hooters the Exotic Dancer
  • Spanky the Monkey
  • Dolly the Sheep and Dolly the Sheep
  • Sucker the Beanie Baby Collector
  • L’Orange the Duck

Absolutely Vital Things to Know About Taking a Bath

  • When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out.
  • Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.
  • If you run a bath too hot, you don’t realize this until you sit in the other end and burn your rear end.
  • It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with your foot.
  • When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap.
  • The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above.
  • The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.
  • Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.
  • When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash.
  • However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put your clothes on.

Bargain Children’s Books

  • You Are Different, and That’s Bad
  • The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
  • Dad’s New Wife, Robert
  • Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
  • Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
  • The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
  • Bobby Was So Bad His Mom Stopped Loving Him
  • Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  • All Cats go to Hell
  • The Little Sissy Who Snitched
  • Some Kittens Can Fly
  • That’s it, I’m Putting You up for Adoption
  • Grandpa Gets a Casket
  • The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  • Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
  • The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
  • Strangers Have the Best Candy
  • Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
  • You Were an Accident
  • Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
  • Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games
  • The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
  • Your Nightmares Are Real
  • Where Would You Like to be Buried?
  • Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
  • Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? A See-for-Yourself Book
  • Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
  • Daddy Drinks Because You Cry