During our routine sweep of the Internet, We, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you — sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes, you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.
The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt — you’ll thank us for it later.
Hello. Yes, you! You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine IF you are an addict. Do you:
- Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?
- Check e-mail more than five times a day?
- Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?
- Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
- Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you’ll receive a reply one day from a company you’ll never do business with anyway?
- Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
- Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
- Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you’d usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
- See smoke arising from your computer or cable modem?
- All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions, (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETPETESSAKES. We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is an admission that you have a problem. Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.