Cyber Breakup Letter

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

    ____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you claimed to be a man.

    ____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

    ____ You typed your own name at the end.

    ____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

____ Sincerely,

____ Gleefully,

____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

____ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

Dear Bank Manager

My Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2015, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of you branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) To make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I have chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:

Oh the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost – a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client.



I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”. It appears to be predominant in Facebook users but has been detected in the general PC community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!!!!!

  • Keyboard Courage
    • The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.
  • WooHoo
    • The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).
  • Holiday Inn-hibition
    • The need to take someone to a private chat.
  • PTPUD (Post Traumatic Pop Up Disorder)
    • Heavy reliance on popups.
  • Horizontal Retinal Scan
    • Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.
  • Loss of Fingernails
    • ‘Nuff Said.
  • Bedpan Complex
    • Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.
  • Cyber Tourettes Syndrome
    • The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.
  • Red Eye
    • Elimination of any whites from the eye.
  • Virtual Speed
    • The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.
  • Sleep Apathy
    • Going without sleep to chat.
  • Cyber Anorexia
    • Going without food to chat.
  • Symbolic Dyslexia
    • The use of initials instead of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.
  • NIC (Nick Identity Crisis)
    • The adoption of a nick as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.


Dr. Ree Pete O’Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

Application to Live in Arkansas

Personal Information

  • Name:
  • Nickname:
  • CB Handle:
  • Address (RFD):
  • Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):
  • Neck Shade:
    ( ) Light Red
    ( ) Medium Red
    ( ) Dark Red
    ( ) Other
  • Number of Teeth Exposed in Full Grin:
  • Make of Pickup:
    Size of Tire:
  • Hounds:
    ( ) Blue Tick
    ( ) Beagle
    ( ) Black & Tan
    ( ) Other
  • Length of Right Leg:
    Length of Left Leg:
  • How Many Cars/Makes in Front Yard?:
    How Many on Blocks:
  • How many kitchen appliances on Front Porch:
    on Back Porch:
  • When and where was your last Elvis sighting:
  • Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags?
    ( )Yes ( ) No
  • Do you own any shoes (not boots)?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Are you married to any of the following (circle all that apply)?
    Sister   Cousin   Cousin’s Sister   Aunt
    Other, explain:
  • Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Can you sign your own name and always spell it right?
    ( ) Yes
    ( ) No
  • Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No

Medical Information

  • Do you have at least two of the following?
      ( ) B.O.
      ( ) Crabs
      ( ) Lice
      ( ) Scabies
      ( ) Bad Breath
      ( ) Fleas
      ( ) Tattoos
      ( ) Crossed Eyes
      ( ) Runny Nose

  • Do you have:
      ( ) Green Teeth
      ( ) Brown Teeth
      ( ) Yellow Teeth
      ( ) Any Teeth
      ( ) # of teeth missing?

General Information

  • Can you count past 10 with your shoes on?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Past 21 with your shoes off and fly open?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Favorite Weapon:
    ( ) Tire Iron
    ( ) Pick Handle
    ( ) Shotgun
    ( ) Log Chain
  • Favorite Pasttime:
    ( ) Drinkin’
    ( ) Coon Huntin’
    ( ) Fishin’
    ( ) Other
  • Truck Equipped with:
    ( ) 8-Track
    ( ) Fuzzbuster
    ( ) Gun Rack
    ( ) Roll Bar
    ( ) CB Radio
    ( ) Beer Cans
    ( ) Squirrel Tail
    ( ) Rebel Flag
  • Favorite Vocalist:
    ( ) Willie Nelson
    ( ) Johnny Cash
    ( ) Elvis
    ( ) Conway Twitty
    ( ) Loretta Lynn
  • Cap Emblems:
    ( ) Bud
    ( ) John Deere
    ( ) CAT
    ( ) Skoal
    ( ) Jack Daniels
  • Bumper Stickers:
    ( ) Honk if you love Jesus
    ( ) Old Fart
    ( ) Dig Clams
  • Memberships:
    ( ) NRA
    ( ) VFW
    ( ) KKK
    ( ) 700 Club
    ( ) BPOE

Your Signature (one X will do)

Are You the Right Person For Me?

Met someone special on a BBS or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you’re willing to take the chance at having a life scarring experience? No problem! Give ’em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck!

  1. My name is:_______________________________.
  2. The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
  3. My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island
  4. The age group I fall into is:
    1. 40 and older
    2. 30-39
    3. 21-29
    4. 15-20
    5. I wanna be a Power Ranger
  5. In the past year, I have had:
    1. 1-5 dates
    2. 6-10 dates
    3. 11-15 dates
    4. More than 16 dates
    5. I rape sheep
  6. I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
    1. the average human of my age and gender
    2. Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
    3. a washer and dryer set
    4. Ireland
    5. My gelatinous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity
  7. The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
    1. the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
    2. strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
    3. the voices won’t let me.
    4. it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
  8. On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
    1. a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe’.
    2. International House of Pancakes.
    3. Bubba’s Beer and Bait Shop.
    4. the dumpster behind 7-11.
  9. For entertainment, I like to:
    1. watch movies/plays.
    2. watch cock fights.
    3. undulate my twelve chins to the theme of “Bewitched.”
    4. snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
  10. My idea of the perfect male/female is:
    1. Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
    2. Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
    3. Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
    4. my fist/my fingers.
  11. My hobbies are:
    1. collecting books/stamps/insects.
    2. computers.
    3. small Hungarian women named Loopy.
    4. eating at least ten times my body weight.
    5. acne.
  12. My first words were:
    1. “Mama/Dada.”
    2. “Seconds please.”
    3. “Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!”
    4. “Touch me… touch me there.”
  13. My dream career is:
    1. millionaire playboy/playgirl.
    2. garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
    3. anything with barbed wire.
    4. street gang moving target.
    5. lard wrestler.
  14. I consider my body to be:
    1. a temple to the gods of desire.
    2. average, but could use work.
    3. proof God is far-sighted.
    4. I am mainland China.
    5. Just write “Titanic” on my behind.
  15. If I could have one wish, it would be:
    1. peace on earth.
    2. piece of William Shatner’s behind.
    3. four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
    4. a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
  16. I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
    1. never/seldom.
    2. often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
    3. my family portrait is at the post office.
    4. I was arrests #234-289 on “America’s Most Wanted.”
  17. What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
    1. happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
    2. a sixth finger.
    3. the ultimate Helen Keller imitation.
    4. working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor’s pants.
    5. Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
  18. A nickname my friends may give me would be:
    1. Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
    2. Scrotum Thief.
    3. Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
    4. The Thrustinator.
    5. Exxxxtacy Maggot.
  19. My favorite thing about holidays is:
    1. the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
    2. food, food, food.
    3. it means I’m one year closer to freedom.
    4. Grandpa’s annual orgy of the Damned.
  20. My favorite meal is:
    1. a well balanced healthy dinner.
    2. whatever’s stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
    3. Indian boys about 4′ tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
    4. boiled semen with a side order of lovin’.
  21. My favorite type of literature is:
    1. computer tests like this one.
    2. public restroom stalls.
    3. anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
    4. the magic writing on the back of my foot.
    5. the toe tags at the morgue when I’m on my “rounds.”
  22. My political views are:
    1. Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
    2. Republican (money grubbing child molester)
    3. Libertarian (What’s the matter? not enough spine for a real party?)
    4. Rastafarian [?]
  23. (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the workers:
    1. whistle and cat-call.
    2. shield their eyes.
    3. jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
    4. throw rocks.
    5. Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
  24. If I were an animal in the zoo, I’d be:
    1. a love bird.
    2. an orangutan, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
    3. the dead animal that’s been rotting for three days.
    4. a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
  25. My favorite type of music is:
    1. hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
    2. country music, cuz I’m a good ol’ boy and I like to touch my sister’s “fun zones.”
    3. Tejano music (the soothing rythyms of a blaring accordian)
    4. Groups like “the Cure” because I can pretend I’m a vampire and act so dark and depressing when I’m nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset ’cause my father didn’t hug me enough and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
    5. Classi….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  26. the best type of pet is:
    1. dog.
    2. cat.
    3. anything that can “spread eagle” quick and likes “heavy petting.”
    4. Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
    5. toasters- don’t ask.
  27. My last relationship was ruined because:
    1. I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
    2. he/she couldn’t put up with my habit of putting my body parts into pencil sharpeners and screaming, “Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!”
    3. his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don’t tell.
    4. she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
  28. If my life had a slogan, it would be:
    1. “Get a piece of the rock.”
    2. [Kool-Aid Man voice] “Oooooh yeah!”
    3. “Still legal in 32 states.”
    4. “Mormon approved.”
  29. I use my computer most for:
    1. work.
    2. play.
    3. communications.
    4. DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom]
    5. trapping hapless fools for consumption.
    6. trying to discover a user’s footsize by handle.
    7. a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)
  30. What issues concern/interest you the most?
    1. AIDS.
    2. racism.
    3. foreign policy.
    4. cattle mutilations.
    5. If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
    6. How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
  31. The title of my (auto)biography would be:
    1. “Sweet Jesus! Thank God he’s DEAD!”
    2. “Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre.”
    3. “Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune.”
    4. “Going in His/Her Pants.”
    5. “Still a Virgin.”
  32. My favorite pick-up line is:
    1. “Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?”
    2. “Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?”
    3. “Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?”
    4. “I bet I can bench press you!”
    5. “Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate… wanna make love?”
  33. My sign is:
    1. Some zodiac thing.
    2. “Child at play.”
    3. “All you can eat.”
    4. “Billions and Billions served.”
    5. “Dip.”
  34. My dream car is:
    1. a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
    2. the 1960’s Batmobile.
    3. a hearse.
    4. anything I can fit in the backseat of.
    5. an Edsel.
  35. If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this form, I’d:
    1. shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in itself]
    2. become the authors’ personal tonsil hockey slave.
    3. attempt to beat the heck out of them.
    4. ask them to autograph my spine.
    5. tell them to drop their pants and squeal like a pig.

Have A Nice Day!

West Virginia State Residency Application

  1. Last Name: _________________________
  2. First Name:
    ____ Billy-Bob
    ____ Billy-Joe
    ____ Billy-Ray
    ____ Billy-Sue
    ____ Billy-Mae
    ____ Billy-Jack
    (Check appropriate box)
  3. Age: ____
  4. Sex: ____ M ____ F _____ N/A
  5. Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
  6. CB Handle: _____________________
  7. Occupation:
    ____ Farmer
    ____ Mechanic
    ____ Hair Dresser
    ____ Un-employed
    ____ Coal Miner
  8. Spouse’s Name: __________________________
  9. Relationship with spouse:
    ____ Sister
    ____ Brother
    ____ Aunt
    ____ Uncle
    ____ Cousin
    ____ Mother
    ____ Father
    ____ Son
    ____ Daughter
    ____ Pet
  10. Number of children living in household: ___
  11. Number that are yours: ___
  12. Mother’s Name: _______________________
  13. Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
  14. Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
  15. Do you (__)own or (___)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
  16. Vehicles:
    ____ Total number of vehicles you own
    ____ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ____ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ____ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
    ____ Number of refrigerators on front porch
  17. Firearms you own and where you keep them:
    ____ truck
    ____ bedroom
    ____ bathroom
    ____ kitchen
    ____ shed
  18. Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
    Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________
  19. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    ____ The National Enquirer
    ____ The Globe
    ____ TV Guide
    ____ Soap Opera Digest
    ____ Gun World
  20. ____ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
  21. ____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
  22. ____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
  23. How often do you bathe:
    ____ Weekly
    ____ Monthly
    ____ Holidays
    ____ Not Applicable
  24. Color of teeth:
    ____ Yellow
    ____ Brownish-Yellow
    ____ Brown
    ____ Black
    ____ No teeth
    ____ N/A
  25. Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
    ____ Red-Man
  26. How far is your home from a paved road?
    ____ 1 mile
    ____ 2 miles
    ____ don’t know
    ____ can’t get there from here
  27. Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
    ____ can’t bear to leave brother’s behind
    ____ daddy won’t give me my pants back
    ____ liberal wife beating laws
  28. Bumper Stickers:
    ____ Eat more Possum
    ____ My other car is a piece of shit too
    ____ Honk if you love Jesus
    ____ If you ain’t a cowboy, you ain’t shit
    ____ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
    ____ Wave if you’re horny
  29. Favorite Recreation:
    ____ Square Dancin’
    ____ Possum Huntin’
    ____ Skinny Dippin’
    ____ Craw Daddin’
    ____ Gospel Singin’
    ____ 4-Wheelin’
    ____ Drankin’
    ____ Spittin’ Backy
    ____ Bull Chip Trowin’
    ____ Honky Tonkin’
    ____ Noodlin’
    ____ Other
  30. Number of Dogs: ____
    • Type:
      ____ Blue Tick
      ____ Beagle
      ____ Black & Tan
      ____ Bird Dawg
  31. Cap Emblem:
    ____ John Deere
    ____ McCulloch Chain Saws
    ____ Budweiser
    ____ Vo-Tech
    ____ Skoal
    ____ Coors
    ____ NAPA
    ____ Smile if you’re Not Wearing Underwear
  32. Memberships:
    ____ KKK
    ____ NRA
    ____ Moose
    ____ PTL Club
    ____ AA
    ____ Bass Club
    ____ VFW
    ____ Quiltin’ Bee
    ____ American Legion
    ____ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
    ____ John Birch Society
  33. Do you have at least two of the following medical conditions:
    ____ B.O.
    ____ Crabs
    ____ Head Lice
    ____ Rabies
    ____ Trench Mouth
    ____ Runny Nose
    ____ Bad Breath
    ____ Chafing

Application to Live in Northern Wisconsin

  1. Name:_______________________________________________
  2. Nickname:________________
    C.B. Handle_________________
  3. Mobile Home Color:
    ____ Two-tone, Brown and White
    ____ Two-tone, Pink and White
    ____ Faded Green
  4. Daddy: (if unknown, attach list of three suspects):

    _______________ ______________ _____________

  5. Mama: _____________
  6. Neck Shade
    ____ Light Red
    ____ Medium Red
    ____ Dark Red
  7. Number of teeth in exposed full grin
    ____ Upper
    ____ Lower
  8. Model of pickup truck:__________
    Size of tires: _____________
  9. ____ Number of beer cans on floor of pickup truck
  10. Truck equipped with:
    ____ Gun Rack
    ____ Mud Flaps
    ____ Camper Top
    ____ Air Horn
    ____ American Flag
    ____ 4-W Drive
    ____ 8-Track
    ____ Rust
    ____ Fuzz Buster
    ____ Roll Bar
    ____ C.B.
    ____ Dents
    ____ Load of wood
    ____ Mud Tires
    ____ Deer poaching spot light
    ____ Playboy emblem hanging from rearview mirror
    ____ Woman’s garter hanging from rearview mirror
    ____ Pine tree air freshener hanging from rearview mirror
  11. Bumper Stickers
    ____ Honk if You’re Horny
    ____ *uck ’em Bucky
    ____ Almost Heaven, Hayward
    ____ Where the Hell is Rhinelander?
    ____ Feminazis for Kohl

    ____ Wisconsin State Bird: Mosquito
    ____ Ducks Unlimited

    ____ Walleyes Unlimited
    ____ Tommy Bartlett Water Show
    ____ Nuke Illinois
    ____ Eat Cheese or Die

    ____ Cheddarheads for Bush
    ____ You’ll Get My Gun When You Pry My Cold Dead Fingers From Around The Barrel
    ____ The Pack is Back (on bumper since 1973)
  12. Favorite Meal:
    ____ Anything fried in lard
    ____ Pickled pigs feet
    ____ Bratwurst and Old Milwaukee
    ____ Venison sausage and Old Milwaukee
    ____ Cheesecurds and Old Milwaukee
    ____ Green bean and mushroom soup casserole
    ____ Slim Jims and lime Jell-o
  13. Favorite Music:
    ____ Country
    ____ Western
    ____ Country Western
    ____ Anything played by an accordian
  14. Favorite Recreation:
    ____ Deer Huntin
    ____ Snowmobilin
    ____ Fishin with live bait
    ____ Watching Green Acres reruns

    ____ Deer huntin while drinking
    ____ Snowmobilin while drinking
    ____ Fishin with live bait while drinking
    ____ Watchin Green Acres while drinking
  15. Favorite Weapon:
    ____ .22
    ____ 30/30
    ____ 30/06
    ____ Ice auger
    ____ Chain saw
    ____ Tire iron
    ____ Forehead
    ____ Wife
  16. Favorite Fragrance:
    ____ Wet dogs
    ____ WD-40
    ____ Old Milwaukee
    ____ Minnow bucket
    ____ Frying Spam
    ____ Diesel fuel
    ____ A paper mill on a hot day in August
    ____ Fish guts after a week in the trash (in the garage) in August
    ____ Any scent eminating from a bodily orifice
  17. Favorite Cap Emblem:
    ____ Old Milwaukee
    ____ Stihl
    ____ Blatz
    ____ Skoal
    ____ Packers
    ____ Pabst
    ____ John Deere
    ____ Hamms
    ____ Brewers
    ____ Point Beer
    ____ Old Fart
    ____ Old Style
  18. Favorite Reading:
    ____ Fishing Facts
    ____ TV Guide
    ____ Beer Bottle Labels
    ____ Enquirer
    ____ Guns & Ammo
    ____ Today’s Mercenary
    ____ Polka Digest
    ____ Aryan Review
    ____ Welfare Application
    ____ Sports Illustrated (swimsuit edition only)
  19. ____ Length of Right Leg:
    ____ Length of Left Leg
  20. Things in Your Front Yard:
    ____ Various kitchen appliances
    ____ Piles of split wood
    ____ Cars on blocks

    ____ Dismantled snowmobiles
    ____ Dog run with all the grass worn away down to rock hard dirt
    ____ Broken, metal frame, screen gazebo
    ____ Deer hanging from tree limb–in season
    ____ Deer Hanging from tree limb–out of season
    ____ Wood cut-out of bent over woman
  21. When was your last sighting of Elvis?:
  22. Do you wear mostly polyester pant with snags?:
    ____ yes
    ____ no
  23. Do you own any shoes? (not counting boots):
    ____ yes
    ____ no
  24. Are you married to any of the following:
    ____ Sister
    ____ Cousin
    ____ Cousin’s sister
  25. Can you beat your wife at arm wrestling?
    ____ yes
    ____ no
  26. Typical Greeting:
    ____ Good Morning, dere
    ____ Dem Packers is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dem Brewers is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dem Badgers is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dem Bucks is playing like a buncha old women
    ____ Dey should take da whole buncha dem Madison liberals and queers and line em up and shoot em.
    ____ Dey should just let dem Indians spear dose idiots at the DNR
    ____ Ya, hey
  27. Favorite Tavern Name:
    ____ County Trunk Bar
    ____ Dew Drop Inn
    ____ Deer Drop Inn
    ____ Deer Droppings Inn
    ____ LakeSide Supper Club
    ____ LakeView Supper Club
    ____ LakeWood Supper Club
    ____ PineSide Supper Club
    ____ PineView Supper Club
    ____ PineWood Supper Club
  28. Favorite Automobile:
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with transmission
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala transmission
    ____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala transmission and ’71 Buick LeSabre engine
  29. Farthest Point South Ever Traveled:
    ____ County Trunk GG
    ____ County Trunk CC
    ____ County Trunk Bar
    ____ Winter
    ____ Polar
    ____ Klondike
    ____ Maple
    ____ Poplar
    ____ Birchwood
    ____ Manitowish
    ____ Namekagon
    ____ Ojibwa
    ____ Peru
    ____ Scandinavia
    ____ Athens
    ____ Irma
    ____ Helma
    ____ Loretta
    ____ Beaver
    ____ An ice shanty on the Flambeau Flowage
  30. Most Memorable Event You’ve Ever Attended
    ____ Minocqua Moose Call Competition
    ____ Phelps Mister Potato Carnival
    ____ Gleason Grouse Mating Gala
    ____ Herbster Jaycees Seagull Doo-Doo Days
    ____ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
    ____ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
    ____ Spread Eagle International Proctologists Convention
    ____ Chetek Carp Queen Beauty Contest and Carp Cuisine Cook-Off
    ____ Eagle River Shout-Off for the Deaf (held week after the snowmobile races)

Your Signature (an X will do): ________________________________

Application to Live in Alabama

  1. Name: (Check appropriate box)
  2. Age: ____
  3. Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
  4. Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
  5. Occupation:
    ____Hair Dresser
  6. Spouse’s Name: __________________________
  7. Relationship with spouse:
  8. ____Sister

  9. Number of children living in household: ___
  10. Number that are yours: ___
  11. Mother’s Name: _______________________
  12. Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
  13. Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
  14. Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
  15. ____Total number of vehicles you own
    ____Number of vehicles that still crank
    ____Number of vehicles in front yard
    ____Number of vehicles in back yard
    ____Number of vehicles on cement blocks
  16. Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
  17. Firearms you own and where you keep them:
  18. Do you have a gun rack?
    ____No; please explain:_______________________________________________________
  19. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    ____The National Enquirer
    ____The Globe
    ____TV Guide
    ____Soap Opera Digest
    ____Rifle and Shotgun
  20. How many times have you:
    ____Seen a UFO?
    ____Been abducted by evil space aliens?
    ____Seen Elvis?
    ____Seen Elvis in a UFO?
  21. How often do you bathe:
    ____Not Applicable
  22. Color of teeth:
  23. Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
  24. How far is your home from a paved road?
    ____1 mile
    ____2 miles
    ____don’t know
    ____what’s a road?

Application to Live in New Jersey

Name: _____________________________

Nickname: _____________________________

Address: _____________________________

Exit # (NJ Turnpike): _______

Exit # (Garden State Parkway): _______

  1. Ethnic Background:
  2. Backyard Smells Like:
    ___All 3
  3. # of Muscle Shirts Owned:
    ___20 and above
  4. # of Bon Jovi Tour Shirts Owned:
    ___20 and above
  5. # of Bon Jovi Shirts That are Also Muscle Shirts:
    ___20 and above
  6. Brand of Jeans Preferred:
    ___Sergio Valente
  7. Percentage of Wardrobe Which is Skintight:
  8. # of Gold Chains Owned:
    ___25 and above
  9. # of Gold Chains Worn at One Time:
    ___20 and above
  10. Approximate Value of ALL jewelry:
  11. Number of Applications of Obsession/Polo/Drakar Before Going Out:
    ___25 and above
  12. Gold Cap on at Least One Tooth?
  13. Hair Height (must be completed by applicants seeking residency in Edgewater or Bayonne)
    ___6-8 inches
    ___8-12 inches
    ___1-2 feet
    ___More than 2 feet
  14. Hair Products Used:
    ___Hair Spray
    ___Extra-Hold Lacquer
    ___Styling Gel
  15. Hold Styling Gel:
    ___40 Weight Oil
    ___Krazy Glue
  16. Automobile Owned:
    ___IROC Z
  17. Number of Inches Car is Off the Ground:
    ___6-8 inches
    ___4-6 inches
    ___2-4 inches
    ___Under 2 inches
  18. Car Paraphernalia:
    ___Gold chain around license plate
    ___Neon lights around license plate
    ___Neon lights under car
    ___Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging on rear view mirror
    ___Garter hanging from rear view mirror
    ___Chrome hubcaps
    ___Stick-on window tinting
    ___Stick-on paint splash stickers
    ___Fuzzy dice tattoo
    ___Crown deodorizer on dash or in rear window
  19. Favorite Sports Team:
    ___Fuckin’ Giants
    ___Fuckin’ Jets
    ___Fuckin’ Mets
    ___Fuckin’ Yankees
    ___Fuckin’ Nets
    ___Fuckin’ Knicks
    ___Fuckin’ Devils
    ___Fuckin’ Rangers
    ___Fuckin’ Islanders
  20. Favorite Music:
    ___Bon Jovi
    ___Bruce Springsteen
  21. Favorite Actor/Actress:
    ___Joe Pesci
    ___Robert DeNiro
    ___Al Pacino
    ___Marisa Tomei
    ___Annette Funicello
    ___Anna Magnani
  22. Favorite Movie:
    ___The Godfather
    ___The Godfather Part II
    ___The Godfather Part III
    ___My Cousin Vinnie
  23. Favorite Profanity (proceeded by YO!):
    ___Douche Bag
  24. # of Religious Statutes at Grandparents House:
    ___20 and above
  25. Relatives Named “Sal”:
    ___20 and above
  26. Favorite International Destination:
    ___Seaside Heights
    ___Point Pleasant
    ___Great Adventure
  27. Favorite Driving Technique
    ___Attacking stop signs
    ___Doing 106 mph on the right shoulder of the parkway
    ___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (non-related)
    ___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME: _______________________________

  1. Ethnic Information: (voluntary)
  2. Type of Cars Owned:
    ____Pickup Truck
  3. You don’t own any Foreign cars, do you?
  4. Car Equipment:
    ____Gun Rack
    ____Beer Holder
    ____Playboy air freshener
  5. Bumper Stickers:
    ____”Ex-wife in trunk”
    ____”If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns”
    ____”Shit Happens”
    ____”If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk”
  6. Sexual Orientation:
  7. Favorite Cause:
    Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________
  8. Favorite Drugs:
  9. Seasonings used on Food:
  10. Which of the Following Should be Banned?: (check all that apply)
  11. Favorite Beer:
  12. Favorite Politician:
    ____Don’t Care
  13. Club Memberships:
  14. How Many Automatic Weapons do you own?
    ____More than that
  15. Favorite TV Show:
    ____Courage, New Hampshire
    ____Sons of Anarchy