Cyber Breakup Letter

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Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

____ You typed your own name at the end.

____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

____ Sincerely,

____ Gleefully,

____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

____ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

Dear Bank Manager

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My Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2015, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of you branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) To make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I have chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:

Oh the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost – a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client.

ATTICS

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TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”. It appears to be predominant in Facebook users but has been detected in the general PC community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!!!!!

Keyboard Courage

The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.

WooHoo

The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).

Holiday Inn-hibition

The need to take someone to a private chat.

PTPUD (Post Traumatic Pop Up Disorder)

Heavy reliance on popups.

Horizontal Retinal Scan

Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.

Loss of Fingernails

‘Nuff Said.

Bedpan Complex

Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.

Cyber Tourettes Syndrome

The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.

Red Eye

Elimination of any whites from the eye.

Virtual Speed

The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.

Sleep Apathy

Going without sleep to chat.

Cyber Anorexia

Going without food to chat.

Symbolic Dyslexia

The use of initials instead of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

NIC (Nick Identity Crisis)

The adoption of a nick as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,

Dr. Ree Pete O’Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

Application to Live in Arkansas

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Personal Information

Name:
Nickname:
CB Handle:
Address (RFD):
Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):
Neck Shade:
( ) Light Red
( ) Medium Red
( ) Dark Red
( ) Other
Number of Teeth Exposed in Full Grin:
Upper
Lower
Make of Pickup:
Size of Tire:
Hounds:
Type:
( ) Blue Tick
( ) Beagle
( ) Black & Tan
( ) Other
Length of Right Leg:
Length of Left Leg:

How Many Cars/Makes in Front Yard?:
How Many on Blocks:
How many kitchen appliances on Front Porch:
on Back Porch:
When and where was your last Elvis sighting:
Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags?
( )Yes ( ) No
Do you own any shoes (not boots)?
( ) Yes ( ) No

Are you married to any of the following (circle all that apply)?
Sister Cousin Cousin’s Sister Aunt
Other, explain:
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?
( ) Yes ( ) No

Can you sign your own name and always spell it right?
( ) Yes
( ) No
Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week?
( ) Yes ( ) No

Medical Information

Do you have at least two of the following?
Do you have:

General Information

Can you count past 10 with your shoes on?
( ) Yes ( ) No
Past 21 with your shoes off and fly open?
( ) Yes ( ) No
Favorite Weapon:
( ) Tire Iron
( ) Pick Handle
( ) Shotgun
( ) Log Chain
Favorite Pasttime:
( ) Drinkin’
( ) Coon Huntin’
( ) Fishin’
( ) Other
Truck Equipped with:
( ) 8-Track
( ) Fuzzbuster
( ) Gun Rack
( ) Roll Bar
( ) CB Radio
( ) Beer Cans
( ) Squirrel Tail
( ) Rebel Flag
Favorite Vocalist:
( ) Willie Nelson
( ) Johnny Cash
( ) Elvis
( ) Conway Twitty
( ) Loretta Lynn
Cap Emblems:
( ) Bud
( ) John Deere
( ) CAT
( ) Skoal
( ) Jack Daniels
Bumper Stickers:
( ) Honk if you love Jesus
( ) Old Fart
( ) Dig Clams
Memberships:
( ) NRA
( ) VFW
( ) KKK
( ) 700 Club
( ) BPOE

Your Signature (one X will do)
Date:

Are You the Right Person For Me?

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Met someone special on a BBS or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you’re willing to take the chance at having a life scarring experience? No problem! Give ’em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck!

My name is:_______________________________.
The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island
The age group I fall into is:
1. 40 and older
2. 30-39
3. 21-29
4. 15-20
5. I wanna be a Power Ranger
In the past year, I have had:
1. 1-5 dates
2. 6-10 dates
3. 11-15 dates
4. More than 16 dates
5. I rape sheep
I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
1. the average human of my age and gender
2. Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
3. a washer and dryer set
4. Ireland
5. My gelatinous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity
The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
1. the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
2. strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
3. the voices won’t let me.
4. it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
1. a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe’.
2. International House of Pancakes.
3. Bubba’s Beer and Bait Shop.
4. the dumpster behind 7-11.
For entertainment, I like to:
1. watch movies/plays.
2. watch cock fights.
3. undulate my twelve chins to the theme of “Bewitched.”
4. snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
My idea of the perfect male/female is:
1. Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
2. Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
3. Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
4. my fist/my fingers.
My hobbies are:
1. collecting books/stamps/insects.
2. computers.
3. small Hungarian women named Loopy.
4. eating at least ten times my body weight.
5. acne.
My first words were:
1. “Mama/Dada.”
2. “Seconds please.”
3. “Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!”
4. “Touch me… touch me there.”
My dream career is:
1. millionaire playboy/playgirl.
2. garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
3. anything with barbed wire.
4. street gang moving target.
5. lard wrestler.
I consider my body to be:
1. a temple to the gods of desire.
2. average, but could use work.
3. proof God is far-sighted.
4. I am mainland China.
5. Just write “Titanic” on my behind.
If I could have one wish, it would be:
1. peace on earth.
2. piece of William Shatner’s behind.
3. four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
4. a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
1. never/seldom.
2. often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
3. my family portrait is at the post office.
4. I was arrests #234-289 on “America’s Most Wanted.”
What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
1. happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
2. a sixth finger.
3. the ultimate Helen Keller imitation.
4. working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor’s pants.
5. Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
A nickname my friends may give me would be:
1. Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
2. Scrotum Thief.
3. Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
4. The Thrustinator.
5. Exxxxtacy Maggot.
My favorite thing about holidays is:
1. the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
2. food, food, food.
3. it means I’m one year closer to freedom.
4. Grandpa’s annual orgy of the Damned.
My favorite meal is:
1. a well balanced healthy dinner.
2. whatever’s stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
3. Indian boys about 4′ tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
4. boiled semen with a side order of lovin’.
My favorite type of literature is:
1. computer tests like this one.
2. public restroom stalls.
3. anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
4. the magic writing on the back of my foot.
5. the toe tags at the morgue when I’m on my “rounds.”
My political views are:
1. Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
2. Republican (money grubbing child molester)
3. Libertarian (What’s the matter? not enough spine for a real party?)
4. Rastafarian [?]
(For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the workers:
1. whistle and cat-call.
2. shield their eyes.
3. jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
4. throw rocks.
5. Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
If I were an animal in the zoo, I’d be:
1. a love bird.
2. an orangutan, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
3. the dead animal that’s been rotting for three days.
4. a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
My favorite type of music is:
1. hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
2. country music, cuz I’m a good ol’ boy and I like to touch my sister’s “fun zones.”
3. Tejano music (the soothing rythyms of a blaring accordian)
4. Groups like “the Cure” because I can pretend I’m a vampire and act so dark and depressing when I’m nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset ’cause my father didn’t hug me enough and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
5. Classi….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
the best type of pet is:
1. dog.
2. cat.
3. anything that can “spread eagle” quick and likes “heavy petting.”
4. Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
5. toasters- don’t ask.
My last relationship was ruined because:
1. I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
2. he/she couldn’t put up with my habit of putting my body parts into pencil sharpeners and screaming, “Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!”
3. his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don’t tell.
4. she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
If my life had a slogan, it would be:
1. “Get a piece of the rock.”
2. [Kool-Aid Man voice] “Oooooh yeah!”
3. “Still legal in 32 states.”
4. “Mormon approved.”
I use my computer most for:
1. work.
2. play.
3. communications.
4. DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom]
5. trapping hapless fools for consumption.
6. trying to discover a user’s footsize by handle.
7. a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)
What issues concern/interest you the most?
1. AIDS.
2. racism.
3. foreign policy.
4. cattle mutilations.
5. If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
6. How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
The title of my (auto)biography would be:
1. “Sweet Jesus! Thank God he’s DEAD!”
2. “Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre.”
3. “Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune.”
4. “Going in His/Her Pants.”
5. “Still a Virgin.”
My favorite pick-up line is:
1. “Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?”
2. “Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?”
3. “Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?”
4. “I bet I can bench press you!”
5. “Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate… wanna make love?”
My sign is:
1. Some zodiac thing.
2. “Child at play.”
3. “All you can eat.”
4. “Billions and Billions served.”
5. “Dip.”
My dream car is:
1. a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
2. the 1960’s Batmobile.
3. a hearse.
4. anything I can fit in the backseat of.
5. an Edsel.
If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this form, I’d:
1. shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in itself]
2. become the authors’ personal tonsil hockey slave.
3. attempt to beat the heck out of them.
4. ask them to autograph my spine.
5. tell them to drop their pants and squeal like a pig.

Have A Nice Day!

West Virginia State Residency Application

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Last Name: _________________________

First Name:
____ Billy-Bob
____ Billy-Joe
____ Billy-Ray
____ Billy-Sue
____ Billy-Mae
____ Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M ____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
____ Farmer
____ Mechanic
____ Hair Dresser
____ Un-employed
____ Coal Miner

Spouse’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
____ Sister
____ Brother
____ Aunt
____ Uncle
____ Cousin
____ Mother
____ Father
____ Son
____ Daughter
____ Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (__)own or (___)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles:
____ Total number of vehicles you own
____ Number of vehicles that still crank
____ Number of vehicles in front yard
____ Number of vehicles in back yard
____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
____ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
____ The National Enquirer
____ The Globe
____ TV Guide
____ Soap Opera Digest
____ Gun World

____ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
____ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
____ Weekly
____ Monthly
____ Holidays
____ Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
____ Yellow
____ Brownish-Yellow
____ Brown
____ Black
____ No teeth
____ N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
____ Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
____ 1 mile
____ 2 miles
____ don’t know
____ can’t get there from here

Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
____ can’t bear to leave brother’s behind
____ daddy won’t give me my pants back
____ liberal wife beating laws

Bumper Stickers:
____ Eat more Possum
____ My other car is a piece of shit too
____ Honk if you love Jesus
____ If you ain’t a cowboy, you ain’t shit
____ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
____ Wave if you’re horny

Favorite Recreation:
____ Square Dancin’
____ Possum Huntin’
____ Skinny Dippin’
____ Craw Daddin’
____ Gospel Singin’
____ 4-Wheelin’
____ Drankin’
____ Spittin’ Backy
____ Bull Chip Trowin’
____ Honky Tonkin’
____ Noodlin’
____ Other

Number of Dogs: ____
- Type:
  ____ Blue Tick
  ____ Beagle
  ____ Black & Tan
  ____ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem:
____ John Deere
____ McCulloch Chain Saws
____ Budweiser
____ Vo-Tech
____ Skoal
____ Coors
____ NAPA
____ Smile if you’re Not Wearing Underwear

Memberships:
____ KKK
____ NRA
____ Moose
____ PTL Club
____ AA
____ Bass Club
____ VFW
____ Quiltin’ Bee
____ American Legion
____ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
____ John Birch Society

Do you have at least two of the following medical conditions:
____ B.O.
____ Crabs
____ Head Lice
____ Rabies
____ Trench Mouth
____ Runny Nose
____ Bad Breath
____ Chafing

Application to Live in Northern Wisconsin

Posted on by

Name:_______________________________________________

Nickname:________________
C.B. Handle_________________

Mobile Home Color:
____ Two-tone, Brown and White
____ Two-tone, Pink and White
____ Faded Green

Daddy: (if unknown, attach list of three suspects):

_______________ ______________ _____________

Mama: _____________

Neck Shade
____ Light Red
____ Medium Red
____ Dark Red

Number of teeth in exposed full grin
____ Upper
____ Lower

Model of pickup truck:__________
Size of tires: _____________

____ Number of beer cans on floor of pickup truck

Truck equipped with:
____ Gun Rack
____ Mud Flaps
____ Camper Top
____ Air Horn
____ American Flag
____ 4-W Drive
____ 8-Track
____ Rust
____ Fuzz Buster
____ Roll Bar
____ C.B.
____ Dents
____ Load of wood
____ Mud Tires
____ Deer poaching spot light
____ Playboy emblem hanging from rearview mirror
____ Woman’s garter hanging from rearview mirror
____ Pine tree air freshener hanging from rearview mirror

Bumper Stickers
____ Honk if You’re Horny
____ *uck ’em Bucky
____ Almost Heaven, Hayward
____ Where the Hell is Rhinelander?
____ Feminazis for Kohl

____ Wisconsin State Bird: Mosquito
____ Ducks Unlimited

____ Walleyes Unlimited
____ Tommy Bartlett Water Show
____ Nuke Illinois
____ Eat Cheese or Die

____ Cheddarheads for Bush
____ You’ll Get My Gun When You Pry My Cold Dead Fingers From Around The Barrel
____ The Pack is Back (on bumper since 1973)

Favorite Meal:
____ Anything fried in lard
____ Pickled pigs feet
____ Bratwurst and Old Milwaukee
____ Venison sausage and Old Milwaukee
____ Cheesecurds and Old Milwaukee
____ Green bean and mushroom soup casserole
____ Slim Jims and lime Jell-o

Favorite Music:
____ Country
____ Western
____ Country Western
____ Anything played by an accordian

Favorite Recreation:
____ Deer Huntin
____ Snowmobilin
____ Fishin with live bait
____ Watching Green Acres reruns

____ Deer huntin while drinking
____ Snowmobilin while drinking
____ Fishin with live bait while drinking
____ Watchin Green Acres while drinking

Favorite Weapon:
____ .22
____ 30/30
____ 30/06
____ Ice auger
____ Chain saw
____ Tire iron
____ Forehead
____ Wife

Favorite Fragrance:
____ Wet dogs
____ WD-40
____ Old Milwaukee
____ Minnow bucket
____ Frying Spam
____ Diesel fuel
____ A paper mill on a hot day in August
____ Fish guts after a week in the trash (in the garage) in August
____ Any scent eminating from a bodily orifice

Favorite Cap Emblem:
____ Old Milwaukee
____ Stihl
____ Blatz
____ Skoal
____ Packers
____ Pabst
____ John Deere
____ Hamms
____ Brewers
____ Point Beer
____ Old Fart
____ Old Style

Favorite Reading:
____ Fishing Facts
____ TV Guide
____ Beer Bottle Labels
____ Enquirer
____ Guns & Ammo
____ Today’s Mercenary
____ Polka Digest
____ Aryan Review
____ Welfare Application
____ Sports Illustrated (swimsuit edition only)

____ Length of Right Leg:
____ Length of Left Leg

Things in Your Front Yard:
____ Various kitchen appliances
____ Piles of split wood
____ Cars on blocks

____ Dismantled snowmobiles
____ Dog run with all the grass worn away down to rock hard dirt
____ Broken, metal frame, screen gazebo
____ Deer hanging from tree limb–in season
____ Deer Hanging from tree limb–out of season
____ Wood cut-out of bent over woman

When was your last sighting of Elvis?:
_________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pant with snags?:
____ yes
____ no

Do you own any shoes? (not counting boots):
____ yes
____ no

Are you married to any of the following:
____ Sister
____ Cousin
____ Cousin’s sister

Can you beat your wife at arm wrestling?
____ yes
____ no

Typical Greeting:
____ Good Morning, dere
____ Dem Packers is playing like a buncha old women
____ Dem Brewers is playing like a buncha old women
____ Dem Badgers is playing like a buncha old women
____ Dem Bucks is playing like a buncha old women
____ Dey should take da whole buncha dem Madison liberals and queers and line em up and shoot em.
____ Dey should just let dem Indians spear dose idiots at the DNR
____ Ya, hey

Favorite Tavern Name:
____ County Trunk Bar
____ Dew Drop Inn
____ Deer Drop Inn
____ Deer Droppings Inn
____ LakeSide Supper Club
____ LakeView Supper Club
____ LakeWood Supper Club
____ PineSide Supper Club
____ PineView Supper Club
____ PineWood Supper Club

Favorite Automobile:
____ ’67 Ford Galaxy
____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with transmission
____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala transmission
____ ’67 Ford Galaxy with ’73 Chevy Impala transmission and ’71 Buick LeSabre engine

Farthest Point South Ever Traveled:
____ County Trunk GG
____ County Trunk CC
____ County Trunk Bar
____ Winter
____ Polar
____ Klondike
____ Maple
____ Poplar
____ Birchwood
____ Manitowish
____ Namekagon
____ Ojibwa
____ Peru
____ Scandinavia
____ Athens
____ Irma
____ Helma
____ Loretta
____ Beaver
____ An ice shanty on the Flambeau Flowage

Most Memorable Event You’ve Ever Attended
____ Minocqua Moose Call Competition
____ Phelps Mister Potato Carnival
____ Gleason Grouse Mating Gala
____ Herbster Jaycees Seagull Doo-Doo Days
____ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
____ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
____ Spread Eagle International Proctologists Convention
____ Chetek Carp Queen Beauty Contest and Carp Cuisine Cook-Off
____ Eagle River Shout-Off for the Deaf (held week after the snowmobile races)

Your Signature (an X will do): ________________________________

Application to Live in Alabama

Posted on by

Name: (Check appropriate box)
____Billy-Bob
____Billy-Joe
____Billy-Ray
____Billy-Sue
____Billy-Mae
____Billy-Jack

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
____Farmer
____Mechanic
____Hair Dresser
____Un-employed

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:

____Sister
____Brother
____Aunt
____Uncle
____Cousin
____Mother
____Father
____Son
____Daughter
____Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

____Total number of vehicles you own
____Number of vehicles that still crank
____Number of vehicles in front yard
____Number of vehicles in back yard
____Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Do you have a gun rack?
____Yes
____No; please explain:_______________________________________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
____The National Enquirer
____The Globe
____TV Guide
____Soap Opera Digest
____Rifle and Shotgun

How many times have you:
____Seen a UFO?
____Been abducted by evil space aliens?
____Seen Elvis?
____Seen Elvis in a UFO?

How often do you bathe:
____Weekly
____Monthly
____Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
____Yellow
____Brownish-Yellow
____Brown
____Black
____N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
____Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
____1 mile
____2 miles
____don’t know
____what’s a road?

Application to Live in New Jersey

Posted on by

Name: _____________________________

Nickname: _____________________________

Address: _____________________________

Exit # (NJ Turnpike): _______

Exit # (Garden State Parkway): _______

Ethnic Background:
___Italian
___Sicilian
___Jewish
___Italian
___Italian

Backyard Smells Like:
___Sewage
___Sulfur
___Garbage
___All 3

# of Muscle Shirts Owned:
___5-10
___10-15
___15-20
___20 and above

# of Bon Jovi Tour Shirts Owned:
___5-10
___10-15
___15-20
___20 and above

# of Bon Jovi Shirts That are Also Muscle Shirts:
___5-10
___10-15
___15-20
___20 and above

Brand of Jeans Preferred:
___Sergio Valente
___Jordache
___Sassoon
___Z.Cavaricci

Percentage of Wardrobe Which is Skintight:
___100%
___95-100%
___90-95%
___85-90%

# of Gold Chains Owned:
___10-15
___15-20
___20-25
___25 and above

# of Gold Chains Worn at One Time:
___5-10
___10-15
___15-20
___20 and above

Approximate Value of ALL jewelry:
___$5-$25
___$25-$50
___$50-$100
___Stolen

Number of Applications of Obsession/Polo/Drakar Before Going Out:
___10-15
___15-25
___25 and above

Gold Cap on at Least One Tooth?
___Yes
___No

Hair Height (must be completed by applicants seeking residency in Edgewater or Bayonne)
___6-8 inches
___8-12 inches
___1-2 feet
___More than 2 feet

Hair Products Used:
___Hair Spray
___Extra-Hold Lacquer
___Styling Gel
___Mousse
___Extra

Hold Styling Gel:
___Bondo
___Spackle
___40 Weight Oil
___Krazy Glue

Automobile Owned:
___IROC Z
___Firebird
___Camaro
___Mustang
___Thunderbird

Number of Inches Car is Off the Ground:
___6-8 inches
___4-6 inches
___2-4 inches
___Under 2 inches

Car Paraphernalia:
___Gold chain around license plate
___Neon lights around license plate
___Neon lights under car
___Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging on rear view mirror
___Garter hanging from rear view mirror
___Chrome hubcaps
___Stick-on window tinting
___Stick-on paint splash stickers
___Fuzzy dice tattoo
___Crown deodorizer on dash or in rear window

Favorite Sports Team:
___Fuckin’ Giants
___Fuckin’ Jets
___Fuckin’ Mets
___Fuckin’ Yankees
___Fuckin’ Nets
___Fuckin’ Knicks
___Fuckin’ Devils
___Fuckin’ Rangers
___Fuckin’ Islanders

Favorite Music:
___Techno
___Bon Jovi
___Bruce Springsteen

Favorite Actor/Actress:
___Joe Pesci
___Robert DeNiro
___Al Pacino
___Marisa Tomei
___Annette Funicello
___Anna Magnani

Favorite Movie:
___The Godfather
___The Godfather Part II
___The Godfather Part III
___Goodfellas
___My Cousin Vinnie

Favorite Profanity (proceeded by YO!):
___Motherfucker
___Cocksucker
___Jerkoff
___Scumbag
___Douche Bag

# of Religious Statutes at Grandparents House:
___5-10
___10-15
___15-20
___20 and above

Relatives Named “Sal”:
___5-10
___10-15
___15-20
___20 and above

Favorite International Destination:
___Belmar
___Seaside Heights
___Point Pleasant
___Bayonne
___Great Adventure
___Secaucus

Favorite Driving Technique
___Tailgating
___Attacking stop signs
___Doing 106 mph on the right shoulder of the parkway
___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (non-related)
___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

Posted on by

NAME: _______________________________

Ethnic Information: (voluntary)
____White

Type of Cars Owned:
____Pickup Truck

You don’t own any Foreign cars, do you?
____NO

Car Equipment:
____Gun Rack
____Stash
____CB
____Beer Holder
____Playboy air freshener

Bumper Stickers:
____”Ex-wife in trunk”
____”If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns”
____”Romney/Ryan”
____”Shit Happens”
____”If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk”

Sexual Orientation:
____Heterosexual

Favorite Cause:
____NRA
____Prolife
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

Favorite Drugs:
____Grass

Seasonings used on Food:
____Ketchup
____Salt

Which of the Following Should be Banned?: (check all that apply)
____Democrats
____Welfare
____N.O.W.

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