Excuses for Driving Accidents

What follows are REAL excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:

  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

How To Tell Where a Driver is From

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn
    • Chicago
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window
    • New York
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator
    • Boston
  • One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator
    • California.
  • With gun in lap
    • Los Angeles
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
    • Ohio, but driving in California
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
    • Italy
  • One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game
    • Seattle
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window
    • Texas city male
  • One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road
    • Texas country male
  • One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment
    • Texas female.
  • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car
    • Colorado.
  • One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for unmarked State Patrol cars and landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter
    • Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
  • Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna
    • West Virginia male.
  • Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel
    • Las Vegas.
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on
    • Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um.”
  • Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn
    • New Mexico resident

How NOT to Pass Your Driver’s Test

  • Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
  • Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “Buckle up!”
  • Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
  • Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
  • When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
  • When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, “Oops.”
  • Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “Now which one is the gas again?”
  • After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
  • Fill your car with beer bottles.
  • The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
  • Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
  • In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
  • Swear at everybody on the road.
  • When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
  • Beep your horn at everything.
  • Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Accident Excuses

  • My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
  • I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go–so I ran over him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The Blonde in the Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

  • Name:______________
  • Stage name: ________________

  • Agent: ______________

  • Attorney: __________________

  • Sex:
      ___ male
      ___ female
      ___ formerly male
      ___ formerly female
      ___ both

  • If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

  • Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

  • Occupation:
    [   ] Lawyer
    [   ] Actor/Waiter
    [   ] Film-maker/Self-employed
    [   ] Writer
    [   ] Car Dealer
    [   ] Panhandler
    [   ] Agent
    [   ] Hooker/Transvestite
    [   ] Other; please explain: ______________
  • Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:______
    Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: $_______

  • Please list:
    Brand of cell phone: __________.
    (If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

  • Please check haircolor:
    Females: [   ] Blonde [   ] Platinum Blonde
    Teenagers: [   ] Purple [   ] Blue [   ] Skinhead
    Men: Please list shade of hairplugs:______________
  • Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
    [   ] Eating a wrap
    [   ] Applying make-up
    [   ] Talking on the phone
    [   ] Slapping kids in the backseat
    [   ] Having sex
    [   ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [   ] Tanning
    [   ] Snorting cocaine
    [   ] Watching TV
    [   ] Reading Variety
    [   ] Surfing the net via laptop

  • Please indicate how many times:
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
    b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

  • If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
    a) Call the police to report the crime
    b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
    c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
    d) Call your therapist
    e) None of the above (South Central resident)

  • Please indicate if you drive:
    a) a Beamer
    b) a Lexus
    c) a Mercedes, or
    d) Cabriolet
    If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
    normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

  • In the event of an earthquake, should you:
    a) stop your car,
    b) keep driving and hope for the best,
    c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
    d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

  • In the instance of rain, you should:
    a) never drive over 5 MPH,
    b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
    c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

  • Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

  • Are you presently taking any of the following medications:
    a) Prozac
    b) Zovirax
    c) Lithium
    d) Xanax
    e) If none, please explain: __________________.

  • Length of daily commute:
    a) 1 hour;
    b) 2 hours;
    c) 3 hours;
    d) 4 hours or more.

  • When stopped by police, should you
    a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
    b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
    c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?