The study of paintings
The back door of a cafeteria
What doctors do when patients die
A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
- Caesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome
- CAT Scan
Searching for Kitty
Made eye contact with her
A sheep dog
- D & C
Where Washington is
To live long
Not a friend
- G.I. Series
A soldier’s ball game
A coat hook
Distinguished, well known
- Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
- Medical Staff
A doctor’s cane
A higher offer
Cheaper than day rates
Was aware of
A person who fainted
- Pap Smear
A parenthood test
A cousin to Elvis
A letter carrier
- Recovery Room
A place to do upholstery
Dang near killed ’em
A Roman emperor
A small table
- Terminal Illness
Getting sick at a computer
More than one
Opposite of “You’re out”
A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
A man who never makes the same mistake once.
A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.
A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.
- Joint Checking Account
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Something between a mister and a mattress.
A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place.
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
- Love at First Sight
what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
- Birth Control
avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
- Eye Contact
a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”
a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
- Irritating Habit
what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few weeks together.
- Law of Relativity
how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nighty.
condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.
- To schmooze … befriend scum
- To pitch … grovel shamelessly
- To brainstorm … feign preparedness
- To research … procrastinate indefinitely
- To network … spread misinformation
- To collaborate … argue incessantly
- To freelance … collect unemployment
- Agent … frustrated lawyer
- Lawyer … frustrated producer
- Producer … frustrated writer
- Writer … frustrated director
- Director … frustrated actor
- Actor … frustrated human
- Compound Words
- High concept … low brow
- Production values1 … gore
- Production values2 … explosions
- Entry level … pays nothing
- Network approved … has made them money before
- Highly qualified … blew the producer
- Financial Terms
- Net … something that apparently doesn’t exist
- Gross … Michael Eisner’s salary
- Back End … you, if you think you’ll ever see any
- Residuals … braces for the kids
- Deferral … don’t hold your breath
- Points … see “-Net” or “-Back End”
- Common Phrases
- You can trust me … You must be new
- It needs some polishing … Change everything
- It shows promise … It sucks
- It needs some fine tuning … Change everything
- She got great press … She’ll never live down the embarrassment
- I’d like some input … I want total control
- It needs some honing … Change everything
- Call me back next week … Stay out of my life
- It needs some tightening … Change everything
- Try and punch it up … I have no idea what I want
- It needs some streamlining … Change everything
- It’s all up on the screen … You’ll never find the money I embezzled
- You’ll never work in this town again … I have no power whatsoever
- “It’s a guy thing.”
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
- “I’m going fishing.”
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
- “Let’s take your car.”
“Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”
- “Woman driver.”
“Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
- “I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
“As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
- “Good idea.”
“It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
- “Have you lost weight?”
“I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
- “My wife doesn’t understand me.”
“She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”
- “I’m getting more exercise lately.”
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”
- “I got a lot done.”
“I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
- “We’re going to be late.”
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
- “Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
“I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
- “You cook just like my mother used to.”
“She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
- “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
“I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
- “That’s interesting, dear.”
“Are you still talking?”
- “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
“I forgot our anniversary again.”
- “You expect too much of me.”
“You want me to stay awake.”
- “It’s a really good movie.”
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
- “That’s women’s work.”
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
- “Will you marry me?”
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
- “Go ask your mother.”
“I am incapable of making a decision.”
- “You know how bad my memory is.”
“I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
- “Football is a man’s game.”
“Women are generally too smart to play it.”
- “I do help around the house.”
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
- “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
- “What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
“You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
- “She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
“She refused to make my coffee.”
- “But I hate to go shopping.”
“I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
- “No, I left plenty of gas in the car..”
“You may actually get it to start.”
- “I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
“I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
- “I brought you a present.”
“It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
- “I missed you.”
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
- “We share the housework.”
“I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
- “This relationship is getting too serious.”
“I like you more than my truck.”
- “I recycle.”
“We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
- “Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
“Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
- “It sure snowed last night.”
“I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
- “It’s good beer.”
“It was on sale.”
- “I don’t need to read the instructions.”
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
- “I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
- “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
- “I broke up with her.”
“She dumped me.”
- “I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
“Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
- “Can I help with dinner?”
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”
- “Uh huh,” “Sure, Honey,” OR “Yes, dear”
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
- “It would take too long to explain”
“I have no idea how it works.”
- “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
“That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”
- “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
- “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
- “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.”
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
- “I can’t find it.”
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
- “What did I do this time?”
“What did you catch me at?”
- “I heard you.”
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
- “You know I could never love anyone else.”
“I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
- “You look terrific.”
“Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
- “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
“No one will ever see us alive again.”
“I’m lost. I have no idea where we are, and I am too proud to ask for directions.”
A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
- Bid Opening
A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
- Low Bidder
A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
- Engineer’s Estimate
The cost of construction in heaven.
- Project Manager
The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
- Critical Path Method
A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney; usually applied at random with a shotgun.
An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
- Delayed Payment
A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
- Completion Date
The point at which liquidated damages begin.
- Liquidated Damages
A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.
Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that many cars will now be of German origin. To this end the following list of German motoring phrases:
- Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken
- Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen
Auto Hood (Bonnet)
- Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
- Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken
- Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken
- Der Twatten mit Elplatz
- Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin
- Der Flippenflappenschitspreader
- Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen
- Das Buch fur Aresewipen
- Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden
- Der Pedalpuschinpilloken
- Der Fukkengratentrucken
- Der Bananwaltzen
- Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen
- Dog Catcher
- Dog Catcher’s Truck
- Garage for Truck
- Truck Repairman
- Mechanic’s Union
- Hypodermic Needle
- Piano Stool
- Piano Recital
- Fathers at the Recital
- Mothers at the Recital
- Auto Mechanic
- Repair Bill
- Arbitrator ar’-bi-tray-ter:
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
- Avoidable uh-voy’-duh-buhl:
What a bullfighter tries to do
- Baloney buh-lo’-nee:
Where some hemlines fall
- Bernadette burn’-a-det:
The act of torching a mortgage
- Burglarize bur’-gler-ize:
What a crook sees with
- Control kon-trol’:
A short, ugly inmate
- Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
- Eclipse i-klips’:
what an English barber does for a living
- Eyedropper i’-drop-ur:
a clumsy ophthalmologist
- Heroes hee’-rhos:
what a guy in a boat does
- Left Bank left’ bangk’:
what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
- Misty mis’-tee:
How golfers create divots
- Paradox par’-uh-doks:
- Parasites par’-uh-sites:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
- Pharmacist farm’-uh-sist:
a helper on the farm
- Polarize po’-lur-ize:
what penguins see with
- Primate pri’-mat:
removing your spouse from in front of the TV
- Relief ree-leef’:
what trees do in the spring
- Rubberneck rub’-er-nek:
what you do to relax your wife
- Seamstress seem’-stres:
describes 250 pounds in a size six
- Selfish sel’-fish:
what the owner of a seafood store does
- Subdued sub-dood’:
like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
- Sudafed sood’-a-fed:
bringing litigation against a government official
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression:
- Rigor Morris:
The cat is dead.
- Respondez S’il Vois Plaid:
Honk if you’re Scottish
- Harlez-vous Francais?:
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
- Veni, Vipi, Vici:
I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered
- Veni, Vidi, Visa:
I came, I saw, I shopped.
- Cogito Eggo Sum:
I think, therefore I am … a waffle
- Que Sera Serf:
Life is feudal
- Leroi est Mort. Jive Leroi:
The king is dead. No kidding
- Post Mortem:
Death styles of the rich and famous
- Pro Bozo Publico:
Support your local clown
- Monage a Trois:
I am three years old
- Haste Cuisine:
Fast French food
- Quip Pro Quo:
A fast retort
- Aloha Oy:
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
- Mazel Ton:
Tons of luck
- Visa la France:
Don’t leave your chateau without it
- Carne Diem:
Seize the meat