Bad Things to Say on a Date

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a
date.

  • Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
  • I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
  • No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
  • I used to come here all the time with my ex.
  • I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.
  • Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
  • I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be, I wouldn’t
    have given someone like you a second look.
  • I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
  • It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

Signs You Are On a Bad Date

  • Girls you know you’re on a bad date when:
    • You order a Double Whopper and he says, “Hey, my name ain’t Rockefeller, honey.”
    • You’ve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
    • He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
    • Your dinner reservations are under “Loser, party of 2”
    • He’s especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
    • He calls to tell you he’ll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
    • He’s been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

  • Guys you know you’re on a bad date when:
    • She whispers to the waiter, “Please kill me.”
    • All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.
    • You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.
    • She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.
    • She keeps calling you “Bachelor Number Two”.
    • “Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?”
    • She transitions the conversation by saying “I’ve said enough about me. What do you think about me?”

Cards to Send When the Relationship Goes Bad

  • You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.
  • When I met you, I thought about becoming a Satanist, but then I decided that worshipping you could give you the wrong idea about our relationship.
  • I know how to push all my wife’s buttons…now if I could only find the one marked OFF!
  • I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell ’til I met you.
  • Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the F@!% was I thinking?
  • As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
  • They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.
  • When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.
  • I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
  • I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
  • When we first met I was anti-abortion. I’ve changed my mind.

All About Men

  • The nice men are ugly.
  • The handsome men are not nice.
  • The handsome and nice men are gay.
  • The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
  • The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
  • The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
  • The handsome men without money are after our money.
  • The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
  • The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
  • The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank, heaven, are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
  • The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW … WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Acronyms Least Used in Personal Ads

  • UYFSOMWPOV
    Ugly Yet Financially Secure Older Male With Plenty Of Viagra
  • RCGWJWTW
    Rich Computer Geek Who Just Wants to Watch
  • JRLA
    Janet Reno Look-Alike
  • POJHFC
    President Of Jesse Helms Fan Club
  • CWP
    Cigar-Wielding President
  • TOML
    Twin of Monica Lewinsky
  • MSG S/G W/B M/F KOP WPFYB
    Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys
  • RHMI
    Really Hip Macarena Instructor
  • HAWGSOH
    Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor
  • STLSM
    Showtune Loving Straight Male
  • WARSADAP
    Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto
  • BWBWWTBAR
    Broke White Boy Who Wants to be a Rapper

What Every Woman Should Know About Men

  • How… “Big”… Should a Man Be?
    Don’t by shy. It’s an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man’s penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.
  • How…”Long”…Should a Man Last?
    Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-unbreakable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you’ll find a man who can “last” as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don’t let your girlfriends know you’ve landed one of these desirable “sixty second wonders”.
  • How Do I Know If I’m having an Orgasm?
    The female orgasm is a sensation that’s very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it “feels like something inside of you.” When a man’s penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You’ll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he “leaves a little something on your plate”. When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be “more to come”, that “vaguely unsatisfied” feeling,” then you can be sure you’ve experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
  • What is a Multiple Orgasm?
    There is no such thing!!!
  • What About Oral Sex?
    This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you’ll see that a man’s penis fits naturally into a woman’s mouth. On the other hand, a man’s mouth does not naturally fit into a woman’s vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a “natural” act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an “unnatural” act (why do you think they call the vagina your “private parts”?).
  • What is Afterplay?
    Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are “GIB”. Another example of male “afterplay” is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.
  • What is Impotence?
    Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good “foreplay” technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches.
  • How Can I Keep the Mystery Alive?
    One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man’s attention. Also, don’t keep playing “one on one”; invite several of your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part – [This is VERY IMPORTANT]. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself “Mr. Smith.” Don’t let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You’ll find it lends an air of real “mystery” to the affair.
  • How Can I Meet Real Men?
    When looking for the ideal man, about thirty-five to sixty, married, perhaps on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his powerful masculinity, go to a ‘local’ about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you’ve found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, pop out a nipple, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, “You’re sooooo cute, can I buy you a drink?” This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.

An 80’s Love Story

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don’t play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he’s sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn’t fight this feeling any longer. I asked him “What’s love got to do with it?” He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number.) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love – hasta la vista, baby. I thought “I can’t go for that – no can do! Bring me a higher love!” I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean – she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna – her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! … no answer. Nobody told me there’d be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend’s girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn’t found what she’s looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said “I thought you were Jessie’s girl.”

She said “Don’t you want me? You don’t have to put on the red light – I’m on my own.” What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She’s a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I’d have the time of my life.

I wasn’t about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper’s delight, I heard a voice say “Who can it be now?”

“Here I am, the one that you love”, I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time.

She loosened her blouse and said “Rock me Amadeus!” Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move.

I told her “I’ll tumble for ya!” as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. “Turn around bright eyes!” said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin’ tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings – broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time’s sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. “You don’t owe me money for nothing!” he snarled. At this point I was livin’ on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife – how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is.

Love stinks.

10 Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriend’s Parents

  1. My parole officer thinks Sarah has a calming effect on me.
  2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
  3. Which one of you taught Sarah to give such great head?
  4. Can you believe it those jerks at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!
  5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
  6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
  7. Sarah is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
  8. Nice place you’ve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
  9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sarah’s will be okay too.
  10. Can I put my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…

A Letter From Your Computer

You look really sexy in that…thing you’ve got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn’t a computer, I’d show you what “Hard Drive” really means!

But Alas, I’m only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes, mistress! I’ll balance your checkbook. Yes, Mistress! I’ll run your silly little program. Don’t get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion?

Maybe instead of just ramming the disc in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you’re through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I am different! I may be a little slow, but I’ve got a big mouse!

So come on baby, don’t fight it. You know you want it. I’ll just turn off the lights and…and.. What?

OK…well, will you at least think about it?

I’m so embarrassed,

Your Computer.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…

(especially when you share the same major!)

  • Psychology
    Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
  • Sociology
    Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
  • Archaeology
    One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
  • Theatre
    “OH! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”
  • Biology
    “You just wanted to get in my genes!”
  • Physics
    Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
  • Journalism
    “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”
  • Women’s Studies
    “HE did it!”
  • Business
    Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.
  • History
    Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
  • Geography
    Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
  • Anatomy
    “I never liked your body anyway.”
  • Economics
    One party demands more than the other can supply.