What is Said Versus What is Meant

  • While on routine patrol…
    I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
  • The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
    He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN-DON’T FEED THE PIGS”
  • The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
    It was raining.
  • This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
    It was too hot to ride in the car.
  • I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner…
    The dirt-bag let go with an “Oink” as I walked by.
  • Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
    He puked on my uniform one night…
  • The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past…
    I’ve got two theft cases hanging over his head…
  • While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act…
    He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses…
  • The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations…
    I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used…
  • Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in” so this writer entered through the door…
    The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army so I kicked in the door.
  • The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies…
    I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the “Command Post”.
  • I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding…
    She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.
  • The Chief appeared at the scene and took command…
    I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
  • Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
    It was my bowling night…
  • The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
    He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.
  • Using only enough force to restrain the subject…
    My favorite song is “Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life”
  • The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment…
    I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

Cookie Monsters

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”

You Just Can’t Fool Them Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?”

“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s rear, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.”

Top Ten Signs The Police Chief Doesn’t Like You

  1. He refers to you as “our mascot”.
  2. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
  3. Your locker is also the broom closet.
  4. The job description in your contract includes “crash test dummy” and “pepper-spray test subject”.
  5. He sends you on drug raids – alone.
  6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
  7. He makes up “missing persons” and then sends you to look for them.
  8. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
  9. He lied to you about an “officer exchange program” and put you on a plane to Siberia.
  10. He doesn’t like to be seen with you in public.

The Blue Jerk of the Highway

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU
want?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

You May Be A Cop If…

  • You have the bladder capacity of five people;
  • You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience;
  • You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm;
  • Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change;
  • You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you;
  • You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal;
  • You can identify a negative “tattoo to tooth” ratio just by looking at a person;
  • You find humor in other people’s stupidity;
  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac;
  • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see;
  • You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance;
  • You believe that a “shallow gene pool” should be grounds for an arrest;
  • You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce;
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, it sure is quiet around here”;
  • You refer to your nightstick as your “Dork Slayer”;
  • You believe that chocolate is a food group;
  • You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick;
  • You have wanted to hold a seminar on “Suicide, getting it right the first time;,
  • You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a valid jury verdict;
  • You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably;
  • You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar;
  • You believe the dispatcher is possessed;
  • You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form;
  • You’re not referring to food when you mention vegetables;
  • You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick;
  • You have heard: “I have no idea how that got there,” on more than a few occasions;
  • You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone;
  • You correlate “two beers” with 0.15 BAC;
  • You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car;
  • You believe that it is a “good” death only if it involves overtime;

A True Story from Orange County

A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no–he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back – and they run down the street to the robbery.

After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door–where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

A Second Offense

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper’s position…

Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”

Advice to Dumb Criminals

(based on what other dumb criminals have done)
  • If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot… *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
  • *Don’t* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
  • When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
  • “But I know the people who live here” is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
  • When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don’t* say, “Well, I can’t do that sober!” on camera, and then plead not guilty.
  • If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
  • *Don’t* answer a question with the phrase, “Who me?” when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
  • *Don’t* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It’s considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
  • *Don’t* say, “I ain’t got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?” before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.
  • *Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
  • *Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
  • When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don’t* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer’s boot.
  • *Do* come up with something better to say than, “These aren’t my pants” when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
  • If you are going to jump into a stranger’s fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
  • *Don’t* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
  • If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit

911 Calls

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

  • Caller: “I’d like to make a unanimous complaint, so don’t use my name.”
  • Caller: “I’m reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it.”
    Call-taker: “Is the deer alive?”
    Caller: “Oh, no, it’s run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and – OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!”
  • Caller: “Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?”
  • Caller: “We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough).”
  • Caller: “Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?”
  • Caller: (irate) “That’s ‘W’ as in Williams and ‘Y’ as in why.”
  • Caller (on realising the police are on the way): “Get the keg outta here, dude!”
  • Caller: “He’s not breathing!”
    Call-taker: “Can you get the phone close to him?”
    Caller: “WHY? You want to hear he’s not breathing, too?”
  • Call-taker: “Does she have any weapons?”
    Caller: “Well, she has real long finger nails.”
  • Call-taker: “We’ll need a description of him.”
    Caller: “He’s a lawyer.”
  • Caller: “No, she just didn’t fall…I helped her!”
  • Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
    Call-taker: “What is your address?”
    Caller: “It’s gone.”
  • Caller: “I’m scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there’s writing on my wall and I can’t get it off……this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!