But, I’m Not Addicted!!!

The longest I’ve been online is 24 hours and part of that time was spent face down on the keyboard, trying to keep a closer eye on what my fingers were doing. That’s not an easy job with your eyes closed! Some things coming up on the screen were really strange! But, I’m not addicted…

I enjoy searching the web. I have stayed up all night more than once following link, after link, after link…. I just want to know how far one will go before it breaks and there’s no where to go but home – It’s not an addiction – it’s a quest for knowledge!

So what if the house work isn’t done — it’s not condemnable — Yet. A clean house is not a priority — at least not until there’s a camera hook up so other cyber folks can see this pig sty.

Exercise? Who needs it? My arm and wrist are almost nonexistent now from exercising my mouse.

Family doesn’t understand that this is my life support system — Not an addiction!

I have a shelf at my desk with snacks so I don’t have to cook; I’ve installed outlets next to the PC for my coffee pot, and my Coke’s remain at my side in a cooler box… need that caffeine!

I replaced my desk chair with a recliner. I NEED one with a concealed potty chair. It would help if it also had a spot to keep all my PC Novice magazines.

The family’s reaction to having my head shaved to allow more time for the net was totally unacceptable. No matter what they say, I am NOT border-line nutsville!

And now they claim to be concerned about my eyesight!

Hey, wouldn’t you rather look at a monitor than a filthy house?!?!

Computerized Newsletter

They’re know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch cheques you’re spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired.

You Might Be a Network Engineer if…

  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
  • Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
  • The Salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
  • You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • You know what http:// stands for.
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
  • You see a good design and still have to change it.
  • You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
  • You window shop at Radio Shack.
  • You’re both in the backseat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
  • Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
  • You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
  • You’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

You Know It’s the Network Age When…

  • You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”
  • You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
  • Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
  • You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
  • Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
  • You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
  • You check your blow-dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.
  • Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
  • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  • The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multi-colored Post-it notes.
  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • You’re reading this.
  • Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.

Netscape Wranger Song

Sung to the Tune of Rawhide

Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of foreboding, Reload!
The Applet says it’s running,
And that big gray block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind

Netscape crash, Boot ’em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,

Tighten, tweaking’, smoothen,
They say the codes improvin’,
So how come I’m still usin’ “reload”?
I’m tired of all this waitin’,
Just give me .gif animation,
This code is only good for wasting time,
The applet says it’s running,
And gray block is quite stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

(Midi solo)

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,

Netscape crash, Boot ’em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload! Reload!

Nasty New Computer Viruses

  • “Survivor Virus”
    Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
  • Elian Virus
    You can’t decide what to do with it, until finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and deletes it.
  • Microsoft Virus
    Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 2000.”
  • Tiger Woods Virus
    Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.
  • Wonderbra Virus
    Results in overflow stack.
  • O.J. Virus
    Every time you try to search for a file, it runs “Pro Golf Tour 2015” instead.
  • Britney Spears Virus
    Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.
  • John Rocker Virus
    Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.
  • Boulder Police Virus

    Can’t even *find* your computer.
  • Obama Virus
    Develops highly time-consuming ways to spend every cent possible to achieve nothing. Leaves you bankrupt for generations.

Mouse Balls as FRUs

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:
    P/N 33F8462 – Domestic Mouse Balls
    P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls

How to Get the Most from Your IT Department

  • When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
  • Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
  • When an IT person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
  • When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
  • Ask us if we got taught how to use a computer at High School… the teachers at High School are responsible for everything we ever learned about computers.
  • When IT support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
  • When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
  • Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
  • When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
  • When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
  • When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.
  • When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
  • When an IT person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
  • When an IT person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.
  • When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
  • When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
  • Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.
  • Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
  • If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
  • If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
  • When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
  • When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.
  • Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
  • When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.
  • When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.
  • When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.
  • When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.
  • When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.
  • Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
  • When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?” That’s another one that cracks us up no end.
  • When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what’s going on.
  • When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
  • Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
  • When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
  • We don’t really believe that you’re a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
  • Keep it crashing!

Hidden Windows Commands

  • System Failure – Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  • Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
  • Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  • Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  • This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
  • To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  • Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  • Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  • WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCILANDPAPER.SYS)
  • User Error: Replace user – now get out of here!
  • Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
  • Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
  • If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations.

Moms and Understanding Computers

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always “Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn’t they?” I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: “A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device.” Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF .. THEN … ELSE structure: “If it’s snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes.”

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:


“We’ll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we’ll wash these socks out right now by hand because you’ll need them this afternoon.”

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order
at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn’t be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who’s ever misbehaved at a neighbor’s house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That’s a local area network of distributed processors that can’t be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.