Tag Archives: college

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…

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(especially when you share the same major!)

  • Psychology
    Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

  • Sociology
    Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

  • Archaeology
    One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

  • Theatre
    “OH! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”

  • Biology
    “You just wanted to get in my genes!”

  • Physics
    Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

  • Journalism
    “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”

  • Women’s Studies
    “HE did it!”

  • Business
    Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.

  • History
    Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

  • Geography
    Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

  • Anatomy
    “I never liked your body anyway.”

  • Economics
    One party demands more than the other can supply.

In a Biology Class

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The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her, “What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?”

“I – I – I refuse to answer that question,” the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.

Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, “The pupil of the eye.”

“Miss,” said the professor, “your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions:
1. You didn’t study last night’s assignment,
2. You have a dirty mind, and
3. Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment.”

Attendance

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Years ago, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular college course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor…if he didn’t recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (and attend!).

On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, “I’ve never seen you in my class,” and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, “You look familiar. OK.” and signed the card.

Academic Phrases Completed

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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

  • “It has long been known”…
    I didn’t look up the original reference.

  • “A definite trend is evident”…
    These data are practically meaningless.

  • “While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions”…An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

  • “Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study”…
    The other results didn’t make any sense.

  • “Typical results are shown”…
    This is the prettiest graph.

  • “These results will be in a subsequent report”…
    I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

  • “In my experience”…
    Once.

  • “In case after case”…
    Twice.

  • “In a series of cases”…
    Three times.

  • “It is believed that”…
    I think.

  • “It is generally believed that”…
    A couple of others think so, too.

  • “Correct within an order of magnitude”…
    Wrong.

  • “According to statistical analysis”…
    Rumor has it.

  • “A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings”…
    A wild guess.

  • “A careful analysis of obtainable data”…
    Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of iced tea.

  • “It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs”…
    I don’t understand it.

  • “After additional study by my colleagues”…
    They don’t understand it either.

  • “Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions”…
    Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

  • “A highly significant area for exploratory study”…
    A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

  • “It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field”…
    I quit.

The Final Exam

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The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking my answers.”

The Blonde Education Department

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The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos– after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”

News From College

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We understand how busy college students can be this time of year. We hope this form letter will help you keep in touch with your parents. Simply check or fill-in appropriate blanks.

Date: ______________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

  • Please send:
    __ Money (Cash)!       Amount: _________________________
    __ Food (Cookies)!     Dozens: ___________
    __ Clean clothes!

  • Relationships:

    __ What?
    __ I am in love with myself
    __ I am in love!
    __ I am engaged
    __ I got married last weekend

  • My Roommate:

    __ Worships the ground I walk on
    __ Gave me a black eye
    __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
    __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed???
    __ Has fleas

  • My Professors are:

    __ Sadistic water walkers
    __ Mental institution escapees
    __ Brain dead nerds
    __ Super oxygen thieves

  • Latest News:

    __ I wrecked the car
    __ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
    __ You are going to have a grandchild
    __ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

  • Food:

    __ Is great!
    __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
    __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

  • Health:

    __ I have gained _____ pounds
    __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
    __ My HIV test was: (check one) ____ positive ____ negative
    __ I died yesterday!

  • Grades:

    __ I am making all A’s
    __ I am not being properly challenged
    __ I will be home after this semester

  • I study:

    __ Night and day
    __ All the time
    __ 80 hours a week
    __ Only on Sunday afternoon
    __ None of the above

  • Daily Devotions:

    __ I read my Bible everyday
    __ I can’t read
    __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

  • On my last visit home, I left:

    __ My glasses
    __ My paper that was due yesterday
    __ The clothes you washed for me
    __ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
    __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
    __ Other _____________________________________________

    Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

  • Laundry:

    __ My white underwear is now _________________
    __ I am saving money by not using detergent
    __ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
    __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

  • My room:

    __ Can pass your “white glove” test
    __ Is only _____% full
    __ Could not be located last Saturday night
    __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

  • Parties:

    __ I don’t inhale
    __ I only go to meet people
    __ Haven’t been to one since this morning

  • Hope you:

    __ Miss me
    __ Can live without me
    __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

  • Salutation:

    __ Your Daughter,
    __ Your Son,
    __ Yours,

    __________________________________________________
    Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
    Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”)