Don’t Look at the Math too Closely!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?……. I think not.

Signs You’ve Bought a Cheap Car

  • Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
  • The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
  • The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
  • The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”
  • The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
  • Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.
  • The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries not included”-
  • You fill up the tank with unleaded coal.
  • You can only go to restaurants that offer valet pushing.
  • When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.

Car Names Explained

  • Audi

    • Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

  • BMW
    • Big Money Works
    • Bought My Wife
    • Brutal Money Waster
    • Bimbette Motor Weapon
    • Break My Window

  • Buick

    • Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

  • Chevrolet
    • Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
    • Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
    • Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
    • Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover
      Engine Technology

  • Dodge

    • Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
    • Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
    • Dead or Dying Gas Eater
    • Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express
  • Fiat
    • Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
    • Fix It All the Time
    • Fix it again, Tony!
  • Ford
    • First On Recall Day
    • First On Race Day
    • First On Rust and Deterioration
    • Fix Or Repair Daily
    • Found On Road, Dead
    • Fault Of R&D
    • Fast Only Rolling Downhill
    • Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
    • Found On Russian Dump
  • GM
    • General Maintenance
    • Great Mistake
  • GMC
    • Garage Man’s Companion
    • Got A Mechanic Coming?

  • Honda

    • Had One Never Did Again

  • Hyundai

    • Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive

  • Mazda

    • Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

  • Oldsmobile
    • Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
    • Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment

  • Pinto

    • Put In New Transmission Often

  • Pontiac

    • Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s A Cadillac

  • Saab
    • Send Another Automobile Back
    • Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
    • Sorry Arsed Auto Builders

  • Toyota

    • Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

  • Volvo
    • Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
    • Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

  • VW

    • Virtually Worthless

Car Horoscopes

To find out your car’s astrological sign – look for a sticker on the inside of the driver’s side door that gives you the exact month and year the car was manufactured. Car horoscopes are based month to month because they are created and assembled over a period of weeks and not just on one day.

  • Aries (April)
    These cars are among the most reliable you can buy, but they do have aggravating characteristics. They commonly have squealing brakes and may be slow to start in the winter. Paint durability is not the best.
  • Taurus (May)
    Taurean cars are strong, but cooling and electrical systems are troublesome. Engines are more durable than most and withstand considerable abuse. Heaters and air-conditioners are tip-top.
  • Gemini (June)
    Cars manufactured under the sign of the twins tend to lead a dual life, running flawlessly one day and sputtering the next. They are extremely durable however and with a little elbow grease and mechanical know-how, you can keep them on the road forever.
  • Cancer (July)
    Cancer cars tend to be well-crafted and rarely develop squeaks, leaks or rattles. On a low note, performance is middle of the pack and power options are fickle.
  • Leo (August)
    These cars tend to be unreliable and have engine, brake and suspension woes. But they can be a good buy if the price is right and you do very little driving.
  • Virgo (September)
    Cars built under the sign of Virgo are excellent highway cruisers but perform poorly in stop and go traffic. Clutch problems are a real nuisance. Best purchased with an automatic transmission.
  • Libra (October)
    Libran cars are born to run and are top choices for hard-driving teens and hot-rodders. Excellent paint, but leaks and rattles are a given for autos made under the sign of the scales.
  • Scorpio (November)
    These cars combine reliability, performance and durability to rate among the best of all autos. They tend to guzzle more gas than other cars. But they are still considered the “best-bet” for any driver.
  • Sagitarrius (December)
    Sagittarian cars are timid performers regardless of engine size and are slightly less reliable than average. The good news is these autos love long trips, so they are best-suited for people who like to travel. But beware, they tend to be sluggish in city driving.
  • Capricorn (January)
    Look out! Shoddy interiors and premature tire wear mar these otherwise strong performers. Reliable and responsive, Capricorn cars are a good choice if you can afford to keep them in rubber.
  • Aquarius (February)
    Aquarian cars are slick performers and are extremely reliable in the short run. Rust can be a problem and dashboard readouts tend to be inaccurate. These cars are a great buy for people who plan to trade in for a new one every couple of years.
  • Pisces (March)
    Piscean cars are the cream of the cop but require more maintenance than most. Engines and transmissions are always strong performers and brakes are flawless. These cars are an excellent choice for motorists who like to tinker, visit auto parts stores and change their own oil.

Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning

  • Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
  • On the way to the fishin’ hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.
  • Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
  • Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”
  • Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
  • Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
  • “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
  • Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
  • Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.
  • Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.
  • When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

Truth About Car Ads

  • MUST SELL
    ….before it blows up.
  • NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
    ….was blindsided by a Winnebego.
  • LOOKS LIKE NEW
    ….just don’t try to drive it anywhere.
  • ALL ORIGINAL
    ….I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
  • LOADED WITH OPTIONS
    ….each one more troublesome than the next.
  • NEVER SMOKED IN
    ….unfortunately, that’s the best thing I can say about it.
  • PROJECT CAR
    ….doesn’t run.
  • LOTS OF POTENTIAL
    ….doesn’t run.
  • NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
    …doesn’t run.

How NOT to Pass Your Driver’s Test

  • Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
  • Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “Buckle up!”
  • Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
  • Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
  • When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
  • When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, “Oops.”
  • Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “Now which one is the gas again?”
  • After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
  • Fill your car with beer bottles.
  • The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
  • Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
  • In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
  • Swear at everybody on the road.
  • When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
  • Beep your horn at everything.
  • Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Accident Excuses

  • My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
  • Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  • The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
  • I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go–so I ran over him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The Odometer

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility you can make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

How to Fix a Dent

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, “That’s not going to work unless you roll up the windows!”