Why Dogs are Better Than Men

  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
  • Dogs look at your eyes.
  • Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
  • Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
  • Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
  • Dogs understand what “no” means.
  • Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
  • Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  • Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.
  • Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
  • Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
  • Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
  • Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
  • Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  • You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
  • You can train a dog.
  • You can force a dog to take a bath.
  • Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  • Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it. Of course, your dog is vaccinated, so you get to kill the mangy flea-bag that gave it to you.)

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers

  • He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
  • Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
  • Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
  • Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
  • The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
  • He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
  • It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
  • The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
  • He can’t stick his head out of Windows 8.

A Translation Of Yankee Dog To Southern Dawg

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners…

  • (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
    (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
  • (Yankee) Poodle
    (Southern) Circus Dawg
  • (Yankee) St. Bernard
    (Southern) “Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg”
  • (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
    (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
  • (Yankee) Beagle
    (Southern) Rabbit Dawg
  • (Yankee) Rottweiler
    (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
  • (Yankee) Yellow Lab
    (Southern) Ol’ Yeller Dawg
  • (Yankee) Black Lab
    (Southern) Duck fetchin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Greyhound
    (Southern) Greased Lightnin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Malinois
    (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
  • (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
    (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
  • (Yankee) Pekinese
    (Southern) Mop Dawg
  • (Yankee) Chinese Crested
    (Southern) Nekkid Dawg
  • (Yankee) Dachshund
    (Southern) Weenie Dawg
  • (Yankee) Siberian Husky
    (Southern) Sled-Pullin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
    (Southern) “What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?”
  • (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
    (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
  • (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
    (Southern) Egg-Suckin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Any lazy dog
    (Southern) Good fer nothin’ Dawg
  • (Yankee) Any dog that’s dead and buried and gone to the Rainbow Bridge
    (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had…

Dog Rules, Simplified for Humans

  • Visitors
    Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
  • Barking
    Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark — a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…
  • Licking
    Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
  • Holes
    Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
  • Doors
    The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
  • The Art Of Sniffing
    Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
  • Dining Etiquette
    Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.
  • Housebreaking
    Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
  • Going For Walks
    Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
  • Couches
    It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
  • Playing
    If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.
  • Chasing Cats
    When chasing cats, make sure you never–quite–catch them. It spoils all the fun.
  • Chewing
    Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.

New Year’s Resolutions for Dogs

  • Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
  • Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
  • I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
  • Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
  • Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
  • Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
  • Always scoot before licking.
  • Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
  • January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re-live victory over the sock.
  • I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Famous Dog Quotes

  • “Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
    — Gene Hill
  • “Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
    — Dave Barry
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
    — Groucho Marx.
  • “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
    — Robert Benchley
  • “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
    — Sue Murphy
  • “Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?”
    — Unknown
  • “I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”
    — Unknown
  • “I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.”
    — August Strindberg
  • “No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”
    — Fran Lebowitz
  • “Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul– chicken, pork,
    half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!”
    — Anne Tyler
  • “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
    — Rita Rudner
  • “My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.”
    — Joe Weinstein
  • “Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
    — Unknown
  • “If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.”
    — James Thurber
  • “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
    — Ann Landers
  • “Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
    — Robert A. Heinlein
  • “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
    — Dereke Bruce
  • “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
    — Ben Williams
  • “Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
    — Unknown
  • “Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail..”
    — Unknown
  • “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”
    — Christopher Morley
  • “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”
    — Josh Billings
  • “Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”
    — Holbrook Jackson
  • “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
    — Andrew A. Rooney
  • “Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
    — Mark Twain
  • “I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.”
    — Abraham Lincoln
  • “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”
    — Unknown
  • “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
    — Mark Twain
  • “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans
    are nuts.”
    — John Steinbeck
  • “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.”
    — Aldous Huxley
  • “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
    — Edward Abbey
  • “He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.”
    — Unknown

Dog Property Laws

  • If I like it, it’s mine.
  • If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
  • If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
  • If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
  • If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  • If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  • If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
  • If I saw it first, it’s mine.
  • If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  • If it’s broken, it’s yours.

A Dog’s Poem

The dogs they had a meeting.
And they come from near and far.
Some came on bicycles,
And some of them came by car.
Y’know, before they could enter,
Or even take a look,
They had to take their asshole off,
And hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
Every mother, pup, and sire,
An old dog hollered from the back,
“Run for your life. It’s a FIRE!”
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
And nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the nearest asshole,
Off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
A dog will drop a nice juicy bone,
And go to smell another dog’s ass,
To see if it’s not his own.

Doggie Pledge

  • I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
  • I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
  • The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
  • I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
  • I will not throw up in the car.
  • I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
  • I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
  • I will not eat other animals’ poop.
  • I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
  • I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.
  • “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
  • I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
  • The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  • I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
  • I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
  • I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
  • I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  • When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
  • I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
  • We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  • I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  • The sofa is not a face towel.
  • Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
  • I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  • The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

  • Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?
  • Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
  • Dachshund: I can’t reach the lamp!
  • Toy Poodle: I’ll just talk sweet to the Border collie and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
  • Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!
  • Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?
  • Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
  • Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
  • Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
  • Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
  • Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…
  • Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
  • Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
  • Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?