The Beer Drinker’s Lament

(Sung to the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second you’d assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you’ve been sitting on my legs and I can’t feel them anymore.
And now you’re sitting on my face, my nose has vanished – not a trace.
I only hope that you’re big knickers aren’t made of liquorice lace.
I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you’re half cut.
I can’t believe, I’m lying here.
It’s all ‘cos of that f**king evil drink that we call beer.
You can sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I’m getting scared.
There’s nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I’ve just filled up with water.
It’s time to go, run out the door.
She’s started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don’t think there’s anything worse Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
I will survive, I will survive, I will survive!

Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers

  • You can’t get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
  • Beer bottles don’t get sprayed with pesticides
  • Beer bottles don’t shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
  • Beer is always in season.
  • Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you’re looking at, if you drink enough of it 🙂
  • Eating cucumbers to forget doesn’t work.

Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
  • Cucumbers won’t give you a hangover.
  • Cucumbers have fewer calories.
  • Your wife won’t complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
  • You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
  • Your wife won’t complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
  • You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
  • You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
  • Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn’t hurt (much).
  • You can eat the whole cucumber, skin ‘n’ all.
  • A cucumber won’t shatter if you drop it on the ground.
  • You can shake up a cucumber, and it won’t explode when you bite it.
  • You don’t have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?

Why Beer is Better Than Women

  • You can enjoy a beer all month long.
  • Beer stains wash out.
  • You don’t have to wine and dine beer.
  • Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.
  • When your beer goes flat you toss it.
  • Beer is never late.
  • Hangovers go away.
  • A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
  • Beer labels come off without a fight.
  • When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
  • Beer never has a headache.
  • After you have had a beer the bottle is still worth 10¢.
  • A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.
  • If you pour a beer right you’ll always get a good head.
  • You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
  • A beer always goes down easy.
  • You can share a beer with your friends.
  • You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer.
  • A beer is always wet.
  • Beer doesn’t demand equality.
  • You can have a beer in public.
  • A beer doesn’t care when you get home.
  • A frigid beer is a good beer.
  • You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

A Short History Lesson

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get men to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as “girlymen”.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government.

Conservative who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and sharing it.