Application to Live in New Jersey

Name: _____________________________

Nickname: _____________________________

Address: _____________________________

Exit # (NJ Turnpike): _______

Exit # (Garden State Parkway): _______

  1. Ethnic Background:
  2. Backyard Smells Like:
    ___All 3
  3. # of Muscle Shirts Owned:
    ___20 and above
  4. # of Bon Jovi Tour Shirts Owned:
    ___20 and above
  5. # of Bon Jovi Shirts That are Also Muscle Shirts:
    ___20 and above
  6. Brand of Jeans Preferred:
    ___Sergio Valente
  7. Percentage of Wardrobe Which is Skintight:
  8. # of Gold Chains Owned:
    ___25 and above
  9. # of Gold Chains Worn at One Time:
    ___20 and above
  10. Approximate Value of ALL jewelry:
  11. Number of Applications of Obsession/Polo/Drakar Before Going Out:
    ___25 and above
  12. Gold Cap on at Least One Tooth?
  13. Hair Height (must be completed by applicants seeking residency in Edgewater or Bayonne)
    ___6-8 inches
    ___8-12 inches
    ___1-2 feet
    ___More than 2 feet
  14. Hair Products Used:
    ___Hair Spray
    ___Extra-Hold Lacquer
    ___Styling Gel
  15. Hold Styling Gel:
    ___40 Weight Oil
    ___Krazy Glue
  16. Automobile Owned:
    ___IROC Z
  17. Number of Inches Car is Off the Ground:
    ___6-8 inches
    ___4-6 inches
    ___2-4 inches
    ___Under 2 inches
  18. Car Paraphernalia:
    ___Gold chain around license plate
    ___Neon lights around license plate
    ___Neon lights under car
    ___Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging on rear view mirror
    ___Garter hanging from rear view mirror
    ___Chrome hubcaps
    ___Stick-on window tinting
    ___Stick-on paint splash stickers
    ___Fuzzy dice tattoo
    ___Crown deodorizer on dash or in rear window
  19. Favorite Sports Team:
    ___Fuckin’ Giants
    ___Fuckin’ Jets
    ___Fuckin’ Mets
    ___Fuckin’ Yankees
    ___Fuckin’ Nets
    ___Fuckin’ Knicks
    ___Fuckin’ Devils
    ___Fuckin’ Rangers
    ___Fuckin’ Islanders
  20. Favorite Music:
    ___Bon Jovi
    ___Bruce Springsteen
  21. Favorite Actor/Actress:
    ___Joe Pesci
    ___Robert DeNiro
    ___Al Pacino
    ___Marisa Tomei
    ___Annette Funicello
    ___Anna Magnani
  22. Favorite Movie:
    ___The Godfather
    ___The Godfather Part II
    ___The Godfather Part III
    ___My Cousin Vinnie
  23. Favorite Profanity (proceeded by YO!):
    ___Douche Bag
  24. # of Religious Statutes at Grandparents House:
    ___20 and above
  25. Relatives Named “Sal”:
    ___20 and above
  26. Favorite International Destination:
    ___Seaside Heights
    ___Point Pleasant
    ___Great Adventure
  27. Favorite Driving Technique
    ___Attacking stop signs
    ___Doing 106 mph on the right shoulder of the parkway
    ___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (non-related)
    ___Giving the finger to slow, elderly drivers (own grandparents)

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire

NAME: _______________________________

  1. Ethnic Information: (voluntary)
  2. Type of Cars Owned:
    ____Pickup Truck
  3. You don’t own any Foreign cars, do you?
  4. Car Equipment:
    ____Gun Rack
    ____Beer Holder
    ____Playboy air freshener
  5. Bumper Stickers:
    ____”Ex-wife in trunk”
    ____”If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns”
    ____”Shit Happens”
    ____”If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk”
  6. Sexual Orientation:
  7. Favorite Cause:
    Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________
  8. Favorite Drugs:
  9. Seasonings used on Food:
  10. Which of the Following Should be Banned?: (check all that apply)
  11. Favorite Beer:
  12. Favorite Politician:
    ____Don’t Care
  13. Club Memberships:
  14. How Many Automatic Weapons do you own?
    ____More than that
  15. Favorite TV Show:
    ____Courage, New Hampshire
    ____Sons of Anarchy

Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts

    Name: _____________________________________________________________________
    (extra space left due to new social awareness)

  1. Ethnic Information: (voluntary)
    ____ Eskimo
    ____ American Indian
    ____ Hispanic
    ____ Asian
    ____ African-American
    ____ American-African
    ____ Black-American
    ____ Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males
    (specify, so we can help you form a political action group)
  2. Type of Cars Owned (pick two):
    ____ SAAB
    ____ Volvo
    ____ BMW
    ____ Mercedes
    ____ Honda
  3. You don’t own any *American* cars, do you?
    ____ NO
  4. Car Equipment:
    ____ Blaupunkt
    ____ Passport
    ____ Escort
    ____ Vuarnet Sunglasses
    ____ Stash
    ____ CD
    ____ GPS
    ____ Cellular Phone
    ____ Ski Rack
    ____ Bicycle Rack
    ____ Wine Rack
  5. Bumper Stickers:
    ____ “You can’t hug a child with nuclear arms”
    ____ “Greenpeace”
    ____ “Obama/Biden”
    ____ “Save the Whales”
    ____ “Farms not Arms”
  6. Sexual Orientation:
    ____ Gay
    ____ Lesbian
    ____ Other

    (note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can’t live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

  7. Favorite Cause:
    ____ Whales
    ____ Baby Seals
    ____ Snail Darter
    Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________
  8. Favorite Drugs:
    ____ Crack
    ____ Coke
    ____ Grass
    ____ Kitty’s Diet Plan
  9. Which of the Following Should be Banned? (check all that apply)
    ____ The Bomb
    ____ Handguns
    ____ All guns
    ____ Nuclear Power
    ____ Cigarettes
    ____ The NRA
    ____ Republicans
  10. Which of the Following Should be Legalized?: (check all that apply)
    ____ Crack
    ____ Coke
    ____ Grass
    ____ Needles
    ____ Flag Burning
  11. Favorite Beer:
    ____ Samuel Adams
    ____ Beck’s
    ____ Corona (w/lime)
    ____ Latest trendy brand
  12. Favorite Politician:
    ____ Ted Kennedy
    ____ John Kennedy
    ____ Bobby Kennedy
    ____ Joe Kennedy
  13. Club Memberships:
    ____ ACLU
    ____ Greenpeace
    ____ SDS
    ____ N.O.W.
    ____ A.F.S.C.M.E.
    ____ Billy Bulger Breakfast Club
    ____ Provincetown Boys Club
    ____ Bull-Dykes Kennel Club
  14. Even though we can’t ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don’t you
    think that Seabrook should remain closed forever?
    ____ YES
  15. Don’t you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose their jobs?
    ____ YES
  16. How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
    ____ 100W
    ____ 200W
    ____ More than that
  17. How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New England summers?:
    ____ 2
    ____ 3
    ____ 4
    ____ Central Air

    (note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

  18. Favorite TV Show:
    ____ Once and Again
    ____ Providence

The All Purpose Excuse Form

This handy form is designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten yourself into.
Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!


  1. Mom,
  2. Dad,
  3. Love of my Life,
  4. Assistant Principal,
  5. Local Police Chief,
  6. Other

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

  1. car
  2. house
  3. pet
  4. espresso maker
  5. left arm

was severely damaged by my

  1. infantile
  2. puerile
  3. inept
  4. comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
  5. woefully under appreciated


How could I have known that the

  1. car
  2. jet ski
  3. large helium balloon
  4. rodent driven sledge
  5. Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

  1. house,
  2. wife,
  3. Cub Scout troop,
  4. 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
  5. priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

  1. imagine,
  2. fathom,
  3. comprehend,
  4. appreciate,
  5. pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

  1. hate me,
  2. sue me,
  3. spank me,
  4. take my firstborn,
  5. gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had, joshing around at

  1. school
  2. work
  3. church
  4. the bowling alley
  5. the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

  1. friend
  2. child
  3. sibling
  4. lease co-signer
  5. only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

  1. was so stupid.
  2. was so silly.
  3. would have been funny if it worked.
  4. you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
  5. I’m going to use again on someone else.


Enter name here (or alias): ________________________

Application to Leave AOL

This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain’t gonna happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

  • Question 1: In no less than 5,000 words explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL.
  • Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the spare time you are gonna have?
  • Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you?????

Part B

Personal Information:

Full Given Name:________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Bra size___________________ Jock size_____________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a damn “we miss you” emergency: (please list the above info in alphabetical order…indicating where you are most likely to be at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion

This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. (make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!! HeHeHeHe)

Application Approved: NO_______
Application Denied: YES______