How to Stay Young by George Carlin

  • Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
  • Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
  • Enjoy the simple things.
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  • Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  • Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
  • Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don’t send this to at least 8 people…. who cares?

You Know You’re Getting Older When…

  • You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
  • Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
  • Your back goes out, but you stay home.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When you’re on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
  • When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  • Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
  • Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
  • The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
  • It takes twice as long – to look half as good.
  • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.
  • You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.
  • You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
  • You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
  • You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  • You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

  • People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you’re breathing.
  • You finally find something you’ve been looking for, for ages but can’t remember why you wanted it.
  • You get to work before you discover you forgot to get dressed.
  • You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.
  • Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.
  • You can’t finish a conversation, because you don’t remember what you were talking about.
  • Your spare tire is larger than your car’s.
  • You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned in favor of a living specimen.
  • Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.
  • You are declined as an organ donor – you’re told they’re not sure if your organs are functional.
  • Most of your sentences begin with, “When I was your age…”
  • Bob Dole refers to you as, “old man.”
  • Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.
  • The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit “The Evolution Of Man.”
  • The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.
  • George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, “It’s just you and me, kid.” Update: “Now it’s just you, kid!”
  • The dictionary adds your picture under the definition of “octogenarian.”
  • You had to get rid of your dog he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.
  • Medicare states that you’re too old for their coverage.
  • You can’t be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.
  • Universities inquire about your donating your body to science they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.
  • You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.
  • Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don’t want you behind the wheel.
  • Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.
  • Your bifocals need bifocals.
  • You’re not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld because they may be too intense.
  • A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.
  • You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.
  • Young girls feel safe in your presence knowing you couldn’t possibly do anything.
  • Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.
  • Children often innocently ask you, “What did people do before electricity?” And you can’t remember.
  • You can remember seeing double features for a nickel, sometimes with sound.
  • Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses, since you were there.
  • You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.
  • You often repeat things…You often repeat things… You often repeat things…
  • You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

Freckles

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

“You’ve got so many freckles, there’s no place to paint!” A girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. “I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles,” she said, while tracing her finger across the child’s cheek. “Freckles are beautiful!”

The boy looked up, “Really?”

“Of course,” said the grandmother. “Why, just name me one thing that’s prettier than freckles.”

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma’s face, and softly whispered, “Wrinkles.”

Do You Remember… ?

  1. Blackjack chewing gum
  2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
  3. Candy cigarettes
  4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
  5. Hamburger joints with tableside jukeboxes
  6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
  7. Party lines
  8. Newsreels before the movie
  9. Slingshots
  10. Butch wax
  11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 6933)
  12. Peashooters
  13. Howdy Doody
  14. 45 RPM records
  15. S&H Green Stamps
  16. Hi-Fi
  17. Metal ice trays with levers
  18. Mimeograph paper
  19. Blue flashbulbs
  20. Amos and Andy
  21. Roller skate keys
  22. Cork popguns
  23. Drive-ins
  24. Studebakers
  25. Wash tub wringers

See score below.

If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You’re older than dirt!

The Curve of Life

  • At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.
  • At age 12, success is… having friends.
  • At age 16, success is… having a driver’s license.
  • At age 20, success is… having sex.
  • At age 35, success is… having money.
  • At age 50, success is… having money.
  • At age 60, success is… having sex.
  • At age 70, success is… having a driver’s license.
  • At age 75, success is… having friends.
  • At age 80, success is… not peeing in your pants.

A New Cold Remedy

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped…or something! But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

“Miss Bee,” he said, pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this.”

“Oh yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.”

And you know, she continued… “I think it’s working…I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

Cinderella at 75

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?”

The Fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: “I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke “You have one more wish, what shall you have?”

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,”I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.” Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.”

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

Benefits of Growing Older

  • You can eat dinner at 4:00
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember
    them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
    the room.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • People who call at 9 p.m. ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • You send money to PBS.
  • You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
    television.
  • Your ears are more hairy than your head.
  • You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • You bought cable for the weather channel.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Being Old Has Its Advantages

  • No more face lifts and tummy-tucks…just have somebody pull a handful, wad it all in a bunch behind your back, and tie it off.
  • Forget driving…at 100+ you’ve been everywhere, anyway.
  • At 100, you can insult whoever you want because nobody wants to yell at your for fear they’ll give you a heart attack. Never do this with your nurses, however…
  • Pretend you can’t hear and make your visitors scream at the top of their lungs as they describe the weather outside. Watch for others’ reactions.
  • Make blatantly obscene come-ons to younger members of the opposite sex…they’ll just smile awkwardly and dismiss it as senility anyway.
  • Describe your sponge bath in perfect detail and watch for reactions.
  • When the art teacher tries to make “dough-art” crafts with you, immediately consume the dough.
  • Remember, the food on the tray next to you is just as good – if not better – than your own.
  • Nurses’ lounges are known for the best lunches and snacks in town. Approach with stealth during bath and recreation time. Forget about napkins…especially with the BBQ rib dinners.
  • Mumble unintelligible ramblings and stare into space. When the activities director hands you a crayola and paper, write this on it: “get me some cake”. It usually works the first time only.
  • Always go to the activities classes…especially if you like cookies and bananas. Remember: a full glass of punch, well placed in elbow’s reach, can bring excitement to any dull gathering.
  • Watch the faces of visitors who have to push the wheelchair of a person with a catheter bag…especially when they accidently kick the bag!
  • For the young and young-at-heart:…find a convalescent hospital in your area. There will be at LEAST one person who has no family, no friends, no visitors. A visit for even 15 minutes a week will bring a spot of daylight in a very dark, dismal world.