Universal Grade Change Form

School: ______________________

To: Professor____________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

  1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
  2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
  3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
    ______Medical School
    ______Graduate School
    ______Dental School
    ______My Fraternity/Sorority
    ______The Mickey Mouse Club
    ______Tri County Tech
  4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in:
  5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
  6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam.
  7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
  8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
  9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
  10. You are prejudiced against:
  11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
  12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    ____broken baby finger
    ____heebie jeebies
    ____acute alcoholism
  13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
  14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
  15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
  16. The lectures were:
    ____too detailed to pick out important points
    ____not explained in sufficient detail
    ____too boring
    ____all jokes and not enough material
    ____all material and not enough jokes
    ____all of the above
  17. This course was:
    ____too early, I was not awake.
    ____at lunchtime, I was hungry
    ____too late, I was tired
  18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up) on my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
  19. Other__________________________________

Thank you. I will expect to see my adjusted grade tomorrow.

The Flame Form Letter

For those that apply, please fill out the form below, and return it immediately to your local state representative, congressman, grocer, or recently fired postal worker ….


[ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] Lamer
[ ] AOLer
[ ] Me-too-er
[ ] Pervert
[ ] Geek
[ ] Spammer
[ ] Nerd ] Elvis
[ ] Fed
[ ] Freak
[ ] Scientologist
[ ] Socialist
[ ] Bible-thumper
[ ] anonymous coward

You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted a “test” in a newsgroup other than alt.test
[ ] You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a “YOU ALL SUCK” message
[ ] You said “me too” to something
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You made up slang then used it in a message
[ ] I don’t like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a fed
[ ] You posted to more than four newsgroups
[ ] You were imposing your religious beliefs on others
[ ] You posted something really stupid/depraved
[ ] You tried to blame others for your stupidity
[ ] you incorrectly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
[ ] you are posting an anonymous attack

To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Be the PR person for George Michaels
[ ] Give up your AOL account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be Senator Exon’s love slave
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test
[ ] Print your home phone number in your adverts
[ ] Slam your fingers in a desk drawer repeatedly
[ ] Become a Satanist, sell your kids to Michael Jackson

In Closing, I’d Like to Say:
[ ] Bite me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Yer momma’s so fat/stupid/ugly that etc…
[ ] Take your crap somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or sod off
[ ] Do us all a favor and crawl into some industrial machinery
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above

p.s. Lighten up people – it’s just a joke 🙂 Before you dive for the Reply
key to bang out a nasty flame, keep in mind…. “sticks & stones”

Email Rejection Letter

The following is an email rejection letter. Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

______Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload” indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

______My breasts are bigger than yours.

______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

______Your repeated comments such as, “Is it still called a penis when it’s this small?” were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be “just like college” seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


(Your name)

Application to Date Our Daughter

  1. Place your Photo here.
  2. Name
    Date of birth
    Phone Number
    Social Security Number
    Boy Scout rank
    Mother’s name
    Father’s name
  3. Do you own or have any of these items:

    ___ motorcycle
    ___ muscle car or sports car
    ___ earring or piercing anywhere
    ___ van
    ___ firearm
    ___ tattoo
    ___ truck with oversized tires
    ___ exotic pet, such as a snake
    ___ electric guitar

    [If you checked any of these items, discontinue application and leave immediately.]

  4. Do you:
    Do you smoke? Yes No
    Do you drink? Yes No
    Do you gamble? Yes No
    Have you ever been arrested? Yes No
    Do you ever drive over the speed limit? Yes No
    Have you ever seen Elvis? Yes No
    Have you ever seen a UFO? Yes No
    Have you ever seen Elvis in a UFO? Yes No
    Watched a porn video? Yes No

    [If you answered Yes to any of the preceeding questions, discontinue application and leave immediately.]

  5. Preferred dating activity:
  6. ___ Walk in the park
    ___ Watch a School play
    ___ Minature Golf

  7. In 50 words or less, tell exactly what the words “Don’t be late” mean to you.
  8. You must attach a complete police record and latest diploma or transcript.
  9. Signatures:

    Your Signature: _____________________________

    Parents’ signatures:____________________________ _________________________________

    Police Chief’s signature: ______________________________

  10. [Please allow 4 to 6 years for processing. Any unanswered questions will result in forfeiture of application. Apply at your own risk.

Cyber Breakup Letter

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

    ____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you claimed to be a man.

    ____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

    ____ You typed your own name at the end.

    ____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

____ Sincerely,

____ Gleefully,

____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

____ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

____ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

Creative Workshops

Please check the workshop you would like to attend next year

  • Self-Improvement Workshops:
    • ___Creative Suffering
      ___Overcoming Peace of Mind
      ___You and Your Birthmark
      ___Guilt Without Sex
      ___The Primal Shrug
      ___Ego Gratification Through Violence
      ___Holding Your Child’s Attention Through Guilt And Fear
      ___Dealing With Post Self-Realization Depression
      ___Whine Your Way To Alienation
      ___How To Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation

  • Business/Career Workshops:

      ___Money Can Make You Rich
      ___Talking Good: How You Can Improve Speech & Get A Better Ego
      ___I Made $100 In Real Estate
      ___Packaging & Selling Your Child: Parents’ Guide to the Korean Market
      ___Career Opportunities in Iran
      ___Under-Achiever’s Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
      ___Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
      ___Tax Shelters for the Poor
      ___How To Profit From Your Own Body

  • Home Economics Workshops:

      ___How To Convert Your Family Room Into A Garage
      ___How To Cultivate Viruses In Your Refrigerator
      ___Burglar-Proof Your Home With Concrete
      ___Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
      ___Sinus Drainage At Home
      ___101 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner
      ___The Repair & Maintenance Of Your Virginity
      ___How To Convert A Wheelchair Into A Dune Buggy
      ___What To Do With Your Conversion Kit
      ___Christianity And The Art Of RV Maintenance

  • Health & Fitness Workshops:

      ___Creative Tooth Decay
      ___Exorcism & Acne
      ___High Fiber Sex
      ___Suicide & Your Health
      ___Bio-Feedback & How To Stop It
      ___Skate Your Way To Regularity
      ___Optional Body Functions
      ___Understanding Nudity
      ___Tap Dance Your Way To Social Ridicule

Dear Bank Manager

My Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2015, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of you branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application for Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice. By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) To make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I have chosen a refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie:

Oh the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost – a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client.



I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple “screw you” or “muuuuaaaahhhhh”. It appears to be predominant in Facebook users but has been detected in the general PC community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!!!!!

  • Keyboard Courage
    • The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.
  • WooHoo
    • The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).
  • Holiday Inn-hibition
    • The need to take someone to a private chat.
  • PTPUD (Post Traumatic Pop Up Disorder)
    • Heavy reliance on popups.
  • Horizontal Retinal Scan
    • Inability to read anything that doesn’t scroll up.
  • Loss of Fingernails
    • ‘Nuff Said.
  • Bedpan Complex
    • Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.
  • Cyber Tourettes Syndrome
    • The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.
  • Red Eye
    • Elimination of any whites from the eye.
  • Virtual Speed
    • The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.
  • Sleep Apathy
    • Going without sleep to chat.
  • Cyber Anorexia
    • Going without food to chat.
  • Symbolic Dyslexia
    • The use of initials instead of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.
  • NIC (Nick Identity Crisis)
    • The adoption of a nick as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.


Dr. Ree Pete O’Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control

Application to Live in Arkansas

Personal Information

  • Name:
  • Nickname:
  • CB Handle:
  • Address (RFD):
  • Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):
  • Neck Shade:
    ( ) Light Red
    ( ) Medium Red
    ( ) Dark Red
    ( ) Other
  • Number of Teeth Exposed in Full Grin:
  • Make of Pickup:
    Size of Tire:
  • Hounds:
    ( ) Blue Tick
    ( ) Beagle
    ( ) Black & Tan
    ( ) Other
  • Length of Right Leg:
    Length of Left Leg:
  • How Many Cars/Makes in Front Yard?:
    How Many on Blocks:
  • How many kitchen appliances on Front Porch:
    on Back Porch:
  • When and where was your last Elvis sighting:
  • Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags?
    ( )Yes ( ) No
  • Do you own any shoes (not boots)?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Are you married to any of the following (circle all that apply)?
    Sister   Cousin   Cousin’s Sister   Aunt
    Other, explain:
  • Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Can you sign your own name and always spell it right?
    ( ) Yes
    ( ) No
  • Have you EVER had more than one bath in a week?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No

Medical Information

  • Do you have at least two of the following?
      ( ) B.O.
      ( ) Crabs
      ( ) Lice
      ( ) Scabies
      ( ) Bad Breath
      ( ) Fleas
      ( ) Tattoos
      ( ) Crossed Eyes
      ( ) Runny Nose

  • Do you have:
      ( ) Green Teeth
      ( ) Brown Teeth
      ( ) Yellow Teeth
      ( ) Any Teeth
      ( ) # of teeth missing?

General Information

  • Can you count past 10 with your shoes on?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Past 21 with your shoes off and fly open?
    ( ) Yes ( ) No
  • Favorite Weapon:
    ( ) Tire Iron
    ( ) Pick Handle
    ( ) Shotgun
    ( ) Log Chain
  • Favorite Pasttime:
    ( ) Drinkin’
    ( ) Coon Huntin’
    ( ) Fishin’
    ( ) Other
  • Truck Equipped with:
    ( ) 8-Track
    ( ) Fuzzbuster
    ( ) Gun Rack
    ( ) Roll Bar
    ( ) CB Radio
    ( ) Beer Cans
    ( ) Squirrel Tail
    ( ) Rebel Flag
  • Favorite Vocalist:
    ( ) Willie Nelson
    ( ) Johnny Cash
    ( ) Elvis
    ( ) Conway Twitty
    ( ) Loretta Lynn
  • Cap Emblems:
    ( ) Bud
    ( ) John Deere
    ( ) CAT
    ( ) Skoal
    ( ) Jack Daniels
  • Bumper Stickers:
    ( ) Honk if you love Jesus
    ( ) Old Fart
    ( ) Dig Clams
  • Memberships:
    ( ) NRA
    ( ) VFW
    ( ) KKK
    ( ) 700 Club
    ( ) BPOE

Your Signature (one X will do)

Are You the Right Person For Me?

Met someone special on a BBS or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you’re willing to take the chance at having a life scarring experience? No problem! Give ’em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck!

  1. My name is:_______________________________.
  2. The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
  3. My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island
  4. The age group I fall into is:
    1. 40 and older
    2. 30-39
    3. 21-29
    4. 15-20
    5. I wanna be a Power Ranger
  5. In the past year, I have had:
    1. 1-5 dates
    2. 6-10 dates
    3. 11-15 dates
    4. More than 16 dates
    5. I rape sheep
  6. I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
    1. the average human of my age and gender
    2. Gorgo, the four-head Dragon
    3. a washer and dryer set
    4. Ireland
    5. My gelatinous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity
  7. The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was:
    1. the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped.
    2. strict upbringing makes me morally superior.
    3. the voices won’t let me.
    4. it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
  8. On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to:
    1. a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe’.
    2. International House of Pancakes.
    3. Bubba’s Beer and Bait Shop.
    4. the dumpster behind 7-11.
  9. For entertainment, I like to:
    1. watch movies/plays.
    2. watch cock fights.
    3. undulate my twelve chins to the theme of “Bewitched.”
    4. snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
  10. My idea of the perfect male/female is:
    1. Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
    2. Trent Reznor/Courtney Love
    3. Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
    4. my fist/my fingers.
  11. My hobbies are:
    1. collecting books/stamps/insects.
    2. computers.
    3. small Hungarian women named Loopy.
    4. eating at least ten times my body weight.
    5. acne.
  12. My first words were:
    1. “Mama/Dada.”
    2. “Seconds please.”
    3. “Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!”
    4. “Touch me… touch me there.”
  13. My dream career is:
    1. millionaire playboy/playgirl.
    2. garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
    3. anything with barbed wire.
    4. street gang moving target.
    5. lard wrestler.
  14. I consider my body to be:
    1. a temple to the gods of desire.
    2. average, but could use work.
    3. proof God is far-sighted.
    4. I am mainland China.
    5. Just write “Titanic” on my behind.
  15. If I could have one wish, it would be:
    1. peace on earth.
    2. piece of William Shatner’s behind.
    3. four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
    4. a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
  16. I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
    1. never/seldom.
    2. often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
    3. my family portrait is at the post office.
    4. I was arrests #234-289 on “America’s Most Wanted.”
  17. What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
    1. happiness. [Shut up, you hippy]
    2. a sixth finger.
    3. the ultimate Helen Keller imitation.
    4. working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor’s pants.
    5. Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
  18. A nickname my friends may give me would be:
    1. Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc.
    2. Scrotum Thief.
    3. Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
    4. The Thrustinator.
    5. Exxxxtacy Maggot.
  19. My favorite thing about holidays is:
    1. the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
    2. food, food, food.
    3. it means I’m one year closer to freedom.
    4. Grandpa’s annual orgy of the Damned.
  20. My favorite meal is:
    1. a well balanced healthy dinner.
    2. whatever’s stuck to t he bottom of my chair.
    3. Indian boys about 4′ tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs.
    4. boiled semen with a side order of lovin’.
  21. My favorite type of literature is:
    1. computer tests like this one.
    2. public restroom stalls.
    3. anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
    4. the magic writing on the back of my foot.
    5. the toe tags at the morgue when I’m on my “rounds.”
  22. My political views are:
    1. Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
    2. Republican (money grubbing child molester)
    3. Libertarian (What’s the matter? not enough spine for a real party?)
    4. Rastafarian [?]
  23. (For females or Richard Simmons) When I walk by construction sights, the workers:
    1. whistle and cat-call.
    2. shield their eyes.
    3. jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
    4. throw rocks.
    5. Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
  24. If I were an animal in the zoo, I’d be:
    1. a love bird.
    2. an orangutan, pooping in my hands and throwing it.
    3. the dead animal that’s been rotting for three days.
    4. a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
  25. My favorite type of music is:
    1. hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
    2. country music, cuz I’m a good ol’ boy and I like to touch my sister’s “fun zones.”
    3. Tejano music (the soothing rythyms of a blaring accordian)
    4. Groups like “the Cure” because I can pretend I’m a vampire and act so dark and depressing when I’m nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset ’cause my father didn’t hug me enough and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies.
    5. Classi….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  26. the best type of pet is:
    1. dog.
    2. cat.
    3. anything that can “spread eagle” quick and likes “heavy petting.”
    4. Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
    5. toasters- don’t ask.
  27. My last relationship was ruined because:
    1. I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
    2. he/she couldn’t put up with my habit of putting my body parts into pencil sharpeners and screaming, “Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!”
    3. his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don’t tell.
    4. she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
  28. If my life had a slogan, it would be:
    1. “Get a piece of the rock.”
    2. [Kool-Aid Man voice] “Oooooh yeah!”
    3. “Still legal in 32 states.”
    4. “Mormon approved.”
  29. I use my computer most for:
    1. work.
    2. play.
    3. communications.
    4. DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom]
    5. trapping hapless fools for consumption.
    6. trying to discover a user’s footsize by handle.
    7. a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus)
  30. What issues concern/interest you the most?
    1. AIDS.
    2. racism.
    3. foreign policy.
    4. cattle mutilations.
    5. If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet.
    6. How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
  31. The title of my (auto)biography would be:
    1. “Sweet Jesus! Thank God he’s DEAD!”
    2. “Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre.”
    3. “Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune.”
    4. “Going in His/Her Pants.”
    5. “Still a Virgin.”
  32. My favorite pick-up line is:
    1. “Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?”
    2. “Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?”
    3. “Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?”
    4. “I bet I can bench press you!”
    5. “Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate… wanna make love?”
  33. My sign is:
    1. Some zodiac thing.
    2. “Child at play.”
    3. “All you can eat.”
    4. “Billions and Billions served.”
    5. “Dip.”
  34. My dream car is:
    1. a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
    2. the 1960’s Batmobile.
    3. a hearse.
    4. anything I can fit in the backseat of.
    5. an Edsel.
  35. If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this form, I’d:
    1. shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in itself]
    2. become the authors’ personal tonsil hockey slave.
    3. attempt to beat the heck out of them.
    4. ask them to autograph my spine.
    5. tell them to drop their pants and squeal like a pig.

Have A Nice Day!