Moods …

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house

She’ll take him for better, she’ll take him for worse
She’ll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he’s well and can get out of bed
She’ll pick up the teapot and aim for his head

Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She’ll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down

She’ll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She’ll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she’ll be on his tracks

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad


Moods of a Man

Horny.

Men and Women Compared

  • Nicknames
    If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as FatBoy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
  • Eating Out
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and Mark will each throw in $20, even though the total bill is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
  • Money
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
  • Bathrooms
    A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  • Arguments
    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  • Cats
    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
  • Future
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • Success
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  • Marriage
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
  • Dressing
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
  • Looks
    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • Offspring
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Men Versus Women, Round 2

  • Why do men become smarter during sex?
    (because they are plugged into a genius)
  • Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
    (they don’t have enough time)
  • Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
    (they don’t stop for directions)
  • Why did God put men on earth?
    (because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
  • Why don’t women have men’s brains?
    (because they don’t have penises to put them in)
  • What do electri trains and breasts have in common?
    (they’re intended for children but men usually end up playing with them)
  • Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
    (because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
  • Why do men masturbate?
    (it is sex with someone they love)
  • Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
    (so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties)
  • Why did God make men before women?
    (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
  • Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
    (so he can tell if he’s coming or going)
  • How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
    (nobody knows, since it has never happened)
  • Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument.
    (Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument)

Signs Your Mate is Cheating on You

  • Carpools with Devine Brown.
  • Motel 6 names him “Customer of the Year.”
  • Mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night from some guy named “President Bill.”
  • You intercept a love note signed by all of the Oakland Raiders.
  • That naked guy standing in the corner pretending to be a hat rack isn’t fooling anyone.
  • Starts buying those lame excuses you give when you get home late from your mistress’s house.
  • Glenn Close speeds by your house every twenty minutes.
  • Models new lingerie saying, “If you were my lover, would this turn you on?”
  • The smell of Brut is all over her, and you’re strictly an Old Spice man.
  • Asks you how you would feel about appearing on “Jenny Jones”.
  • Every night: comes home late, carves another notch in the bedpost and giggles himself to sleep.
  • The cat has that “I know something that you don’t know” look.
  • Bill Cosby called her as a character witness.
  • Closet full of Gideon Bibles.
  • Raoul the pool-boy is always hanging around, and you have NO pool!
  • Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.

Seven Ages of the Married Cold

  • 1st year
    The husband says, “Oh, sweetie pie, I’m really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There’s no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that’s been going around. I’m going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I’m going to bring you some takeout from Tosini’s. I’ve already arranged it with the head nurse.”
  • 2nd year
    “Listen, honey, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he’s going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don’t you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?”
  • 3rd year
    “Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I’ll bring you something–do we have any canned soup around here?”
  • 4th year
    “No sense wearing yourself out when you’re under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids’ baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!”
  • 5th year
    “Why don’t you take a couple aspirin?”
  • 6th year
    “You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!”
  • 7th year
    “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You’d better pick up some tissues while you’re at the store.”

The Secret to Making a Marriage Last

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

  • Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  • We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY.
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
    “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
    So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  • My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”
  • My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
  • She had a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
  • She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

The Lighter Side of Marriage

  • Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
  • Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
  • Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
  • Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
  • Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
  • Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
  • Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
  • Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
    In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
    In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
    In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen
  • It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
  • Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • It’s true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!
  • There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
  • A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
  • Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
    Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
  • Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.
    Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
  • There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”
  • Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
  • They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
  • When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  • There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT? 🙂 You Bet!

Marooned

A man is marooned on an island for ten years and has given up all hope of ever being saved, when suddenly, one day, a woman washes ashore. Her clothes are all tattered, and she is clutching a little waterproof bag. It seems that her ship also hit the coral reef off the island and has sunk. She, too, is the only survivor.

The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole story, about how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned to live off the island, surviving by his wits. When he was finished his story, the woman says to him, “You mean you’ve been on this island for ten years?”

“That’s right,” says the man.

“Tell me,” she asks. “Did you smoke cigarettes before you were marooned?”

“Why, yes, I did,” he says. “Why do you ask?”

The woman says to him, “Well, since you haven’t had a cigarette in ten years, here!” And with that, she pulls a cigarette out of her little bag and gives it to him.

“Oh, wow!” he says. “Thanks a lot!”

As she lights it for him, she says, “Say, were you a drinking man before you got shipwrecked?”

“Well,” says the man, puffing on the cigarette, “I would have an occasional whiskey now and then.”

The woman reaches into her little bag and says, “You haven’t had a drink in ten years? Here!” From her bag she produces a small flask and hands it to him.

He takes a pull from the flask and is thanking her when she suddenly says, “Gee, I just realized. You’ve been on this island alone for ten years. I guess you haven’t, uh, played around in ten years either, have you?”

“Good God!” says the man. “Do you have a set of golf clubs in that bag?”

Why Kissing Is Good for YOU!

  • …it helps prevent tooth decay. Dr. Peter Gorden, Dental Advisor at the British Dental Association, explains. “After eating, your mouth is full of sugar solution and acidic saliva, which cause plaque build up. Kissing is nature’s own cleaning process,” he adds. “It stimulates saliva flow and brings plaque levels down to normal.”
  • …it relieves tension. A passionate kiss is a great relaxation technique, says stress consultant, Michelle Kay Mcnabb. “When your mouth is in a kissing position, you’re almost smiling and, as our emotions and body language are so closely linked, it’s almost impossible to smile and feel tense at the same time,” she explains. “Also, your breathing becomes deeper and your eyes close when you kiss – that’s what you do when you relax. It’s a perfect way to shut out the world.”
  • …it helps you lose weight. “A long kiss makes the metabolism burn up sugar faster than usual,” says Claire Potter. “The calories burned depend on the intensity, but you can rely on 10 calories for every 10 minutes.”
  • …it slows the ageing process. “Kissing helps to tone your cheek and jaw muscles, so they’re less likely to sag,” says Cosmo’s Fitness Consultant, Claire Potter.
  • …it increases fitness levels. Your heart is pumping, your pulse is racing…” If kissing is exciting, you release adrenaline into the bloodstream and your heart pumps more blood around your body,” says Dr. Susan Hotchkies. “It’s a great cardiovascular workout.”
  • …it is a good indication of what’s to come. Kissing a new man gives you the perfect opportunity to check out his pheromones – the chemical messengers that signal sexual attraction.” The first kiss is always a good way to work out if there’s any chemistry between you,” says Paul Brown, a sexual and marital therapist. “In humans, it’s thought that smells plays a vital part in subconscious attraction, and if your pheromones aren’t in tune’, you’re unlikely to hit off in other areas.”
  • And finally, …it boosts self-esteem. There’s nothing better than a passionate kiss for a major dose of feel – good factor. “In theory, when you’re kissing, you’re happy. And when you’re happy, you feel good about yourself,” says psychotherapist
    Paul Zeal.

It’s Over When …

  • She puts your dinner on the floor in the dog’s dish.
  • The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
  • You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
  • She starts every sentence with the words …”To whom it may concern.”
  • Your mail comes addressed to “Current Resident.”
  • The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
  • Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
  • You are urged to stir your coffee “very well,” before drinking it.
  • Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
  • All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
  • People are referring to her as the “widow.”
  • You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
  • Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads … “Joe’s Place.”