Signs Your Divorce Isn’t Going Well

  • Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
  • Your spouse’s lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
  • The judge is seriously considering your spouse’s request for custody of your immortal soul.
  • Your spouse’s attorney is seeking the death penalty.
  • Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
  • Your mother’s name appears on your wife’s witness list.
  • Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
  • Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
  • Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing “Safety Concerns.”
  • You discover that Judge Jacques’ last name is actually *not* pronounced “Jack-ass.”
  • In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
  • Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
  • Johnnie Cochran’s closing argument: “If dad goes gay, he’s got to pay!”
  • During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.

Comebacks to Pick-up Lines

  • Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
    Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”
  • Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
    Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
  • The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live
    across the hall from me in residence) when he asked girl to dance and she refused:
    Man: “Want to dance?”
    Woman: “No, thank you.”
    Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God somebody asked you.”
  • Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
    Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
    Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
    Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
  • Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
    Woman: “Female impersonator.”
  • And here’s one including the correct snappy return.
    Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
    Woman: “Unfertilized.”
  • A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach her in a club
    while she was in college with the line, “Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half of it, I probably
    wasn’t born yet.”
  • A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were
    walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?” My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”

Recent Personal Ads

  • SWM – Single White Male – looking for SWF – Object — walks, good conversation,
    cultural outings and wearing each others’ behinds as hats. Please, no kooks. Box 7464.
  • You, at the cafeteria dessert bar slipping a couple creme caramels into your brassiere; me, at the buffet table, nonchalantly tossing a few croutons in the air and catching them in my mouth just to get your attention, followed by grapes, Swedish meatballs, and a leg of lamb. When I came to, you were gone. Call me. I think there was something special there. Box 9867.
  • Drop Dead Gorgeous redhead, Christy, wants to meet man with large wallet. Object — him dropping dead. Sincere. Box 4942. Ask for Hank.
  • SWMSTOSOG – Single White Male Siamese Twins, One Straight One Gay desperately seeking SWFSTOSOWTUGR – Single White Female Siamese Twins, One Straight One Willing To Undergo Gender Reallocation. Straight one must be on my right, her left — or willing to stand on head. Must be Baptist. Box 3755.
  • SWMWH – Single White Male With Hump – also huge hairy warts, mismatched legs, crab-like walk, oozing sores and speech impimbimimnt, Republican, looking for SWS – Single White Supermodel – must be staunch NRA supporter. Object — just maybe parent future president of U.S. of A. Leave partics along with recent photo at foot of bell tower. No freaks.

I Need a Quick Divorce!

A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, un acre und half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I gut proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought bottle at drug stoore, und put on shelf in bathroom. I cun read – it suz “Polish Remover.”

The Real Meaning Behind Those Personal Ads

  • 40-ish
  • Adventurer
    Has had more partners than you ever will
  • Athletic
  • Average looking
  • Beautiful
    Pathological liar
  • Contagious Smile
    Bring your penicillin
  • Educated
    College dropout
  • Emotionally Secure
  • Feminist
    Fat; ball buster
  • Free spirit
    Substance user
  • Friendship first
    Trying to live down reputation as slut
  • Fun
  • Gentle
  • Good Listener
    Borderline Autistic
  • New-Age
    All body hair, all the time
  • Old-fashioned
    Lights out, missionary position only
  • Open-minded
  • Outgoing
  • Passionate
  • Poet
    Depressive Schzophrenic
  • Professional
    Real Witch
  • Redhead
    Shops the Clairol section
  • Reubenesque
    Grossly Fat
  • Romantic
    Looks better by candle light
  • Voluptuous
    Very Fat
  • Weight proportional to height
    Hugely Fat
  • Wants Soulmate
    One step away from stalking
  • Widow
    Nagged first husband to death
  • Young at heart
    Toothless crone

A Perfect Story

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer…

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep’a scrollin’…

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

The Perfect Day

For Her

  • 08:15 Wake-up to hugs and kisses.

  • 08:30 Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday.

  • 08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.

  • 09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

  • 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

  • 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.

  • 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

  • 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend’s wife, she has gained 30 pounds.

  • 13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

  • 15:00 Nap.

  • 16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.

  • 16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

  • 17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.

  • 19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

  • 22:00 Hot shower (alone).

  • 22:30 Make love.

  • 23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

  • 23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

For Him

  • 06:00 Alarm.

  • 06:15 Get oral sex.

  • 06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.

  • 07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.

  • 07:30 Limo arrives.

  • 07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en-route to airport.

  • 08:15 Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, Sports Illustrated and Wall Street Journal).

  • 09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

  • 09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).

  • 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.

  • 12:15 Get oral sex.

  • 12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under).

  • 14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini).

  • 14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).

  • 15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.

  • 16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).

  • 17:00 G4 back home, massage & hand job en-route by naked Elle McPhereson.

  • 18:45 Poop, shower and shave.

  • 19:00 Watch CNN news-flash: Obama resigns; Hillary and Al Gore’s farm-animal video released and authenticated.

  • 19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak

  • 21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.

  • 21:30 Sex with three women.

  • 23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.

  • 23:45 Bed (alone).

  • 23:50 12 second, 4-octave, dog-leaves-the-room flatulence explosion.

  • 23:55 Giggle oneself to sleep.


Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say “my darling”. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: “Pardon?”

Why Aren’t You Married Yet?

  • You haven’t asked yet.
  • I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
  • What? And spoil my great sex life?
  • Nobody would believe me wearing white.
  • Just lucky, I guess.
  • It gives my mother something to live for.
  • My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
  • I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
  • Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
  • I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
  • It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
  • I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
  • Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
  • They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
  • I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
  • I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
  • What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
  • We really want to, but my lover’s spouse just won’t go for it.
  • I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
  • Why aren’t you thin?
  • I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
  • (Bonus reply for single mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

And You Wonder *Why* It Didn’t Last

  • She married him because he was such a “strong man”
    She divorced him because he was such a “dominating male.”
  • He married her because she was so “fragile and petite.”
    He divorced her because she was so “weak and helpless.”
  • She married him because “he knows how to provide a good living.”
    She divorced him because “all he thinks about is business.”
  • He married her because “she reminds me of my mother.”
    He divorced her because “she’s getting more like her mother every day.”
  • She married him because he was “happy and romantic.”
    She divorced him because he was “shiftless and fun-loving.”
  • He married her because she was “steady and sensible.”
    He divorced her because she was “boring and dull.”
  • She married him because he was “the life of the party.”
    She divorced him because “he never wants to come home from a party.”