New Cigarette Ads

  • Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes you sound as cool as you look.”
  • [Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth.”
  • “Don’t worry; you have an extra lung.”
  • “All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn’t nearly as annoying, is it?”
  • “…That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning.”
  • “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have a carrot stick?”
  • “Betcha can’t smoke just one.”
  • “I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy.”
  • “Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don’t pay themselves, you know.”
  • “The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy.”
  • “Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster.”
  • “You have smoked… THREE… packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in… FIVE… years.”

Little-Known Handicaps

  • Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)
    This affliction, which disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD experience perceptive problems which prevent them from entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic. When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the protective hand of God to clear the way.
  • Cerebral Phlebitis
    The primary symptom of this male-only disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in job-related activities, social situations, and even the size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a “Marriage of Equals.” This is an extremely dangerous, open-heart operation which often fails.
  • Bingivitis
    This inexplicable disease affects only individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy, vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose from.
  • Cheeriosclerosis
    Also known as “hardening of the cereal,” this frightening male condition results from leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only solution is a dangerous “bowl transplant” which involves trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is rejected.
  • Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome
    This debilitating disease strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia, muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble. During a flare-up, if the patient’s spouse asks “what’s the problem?” or speaks at all, this triggers a massive escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout “I HATE MY CLOTHES!” and lock herself in the room. There is no cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening’s worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.

The Inkblot Test

A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.

“That’s two poodles having sex,” replied the patient.

To the second inkblot, the patient said, “That’s a naked guy leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her.”

The doctor showed him the third inkblot. “That’s a pair of crotchless underpants,” the patient said.

Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, “You have a filthy, disgusting mind!”

“Look who’s talking!” the patient cried. “You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

You Might Be Anal-Retentive If…

  • you eat the M&Ms in color order.
  • you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
  • you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
  • you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use and they’re all facing the front.
  • all your books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order.
  • you require no less than 230 threads per inch on your sheets. …and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
  • you alphabetize your spices.
  • you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millennium hasn’t begun yet (or that it *has* begun).
  • you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric.
  • you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren’t spelled correctly or grammatically correct.
  • you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle.
  • you collect the little postcards in magazine issues… ..for recycling.
  • every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker… and you correct the original message.
  • you’re on a “calorie-counting” diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your “Big Beef Burrito Supreme”

Marketing Slogans for Viagra

  • This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
  • Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
  • Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
  • Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
  • Viagra, Home of the whopper
  • Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
  • Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
  • Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
  • Viagra, Ten inches long … and growing.
  • Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to.

Viagra and its Proposed Cousins

Viagra: The drug from Pfizer, which is currently being prescribed to increase sexual performance. It works by rushing blood to the genitals. With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society.

  • DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
  • PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
  • CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.
  • COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
  • BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.
  • NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
  • NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
  • FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
  • FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
  • PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into”special prosecutors.”
  • LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

  • If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
  • If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
  • If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
  • If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
  • If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!

Three Surgeons

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation. They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on.

The first doctor said, “I like to work on electricians.”

“Why?” the others replied.

He answered, “When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes.”

The second doctor said, “I like to work on librarians.”

“Why?” the other doctors asked.

He replied, “Librarians are all organized in a sophisticated pattern.”

The third doctor said, “Well, I like to work on lawyers.”

“Lawyers?!” replied the others suprised.

“Yes, Lawyers” he stated.

“But why?” they asked him.

“Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable.”

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can’t help but wonder why they are chanting “Thirteen!” over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting – “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

23rd Psalm for Psychiatrists

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism,
I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself
toward a non-social object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses,
I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced
as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.