Another Geek Test

  1. I have moss growing:
    a. In my garden
    b. In my bathroom
    c. In my kitchen
    d. On my teeth
  2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:
    a. Listen
    b. Ease away slowly
    c. Stuff a live weasel down my throat
  3. I think computers are:
    a. Uninteresting
    b. Interesting
    c. Too damn small for the stuff I want to do
  4. I think sheep are:
    a. Uninteresting
    b. Interesting
    c. Annoyingly far away from where I live
  5. The Usenet Oracle is:
    a. A pack of weenies who think about “Lisa” way too much
    b. Interesting
    c. Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me
  6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is
    a. Difficult to understand
    b. Impossible to understand
    c. Clearly from a different planet
    d. How should I know? I’ve only seen pictures
  7. Bill Gates is:
    a. Bill who?
    b. Very wealthy
    c. Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
    d. The Antichrist
  8. In general, people:
    a. Like me
    b. Don’t like me
    c. People? What people?
  9. My friends are:
    a. Diverse
    b. People I know from work or school
    c. Wearing the same clothing I am
  10. My dream vacation is:
    a. Tibet
    b. Europe
    c. California
    d. In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee
  11. My job prospects are:
    a. Abysmal
    b. Adequate
    c. I’ll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
    d. They pay people to do this?

Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more: Yep. You’re a computer geek, all right.

13 – 18: You’re a geek of some stripe or another.

7 – 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it…

0 – 6: If you’re of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?

You Know You’re a Geek When…

  • You look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that font.”
  • You know you are a geek when you set up an automatic rerouting of your email to your pager.
  • You are a geek when you get sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalgic feelings when thinking about your long-lost old Commodore 64, Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80 (or whatever hardware you were raised on), and use large amounts of money/time trying to track one down.
  • You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made of steel.
  • You realize you never cook, eating only take-away pizza.
  • You check your web access-page more than once a day.
  • You seriously consider devoting a web page to your computer. (Not the brand, mind you, but the actual computer itself)
  • You have more email addresses than you do pairs of shoes.
  • You get depressed when you get less than 10 email messages a day.
  • You already know what you want to write both Master’s papers and your dissertation about, and you just graduated from College.
  • You can discuss the philosophical and physical differences among the Tangos.
  • Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
  • You plan to get two Masters degrees.
  • You start getting paranoid you aren’t getting all your e-mail. (If you have sent me email, and there seems to be no life from me, try again.)
  • Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply Upper Slavic, French, Esperanto and C.
  • You are on the Obscure Software and Computer Crap Junk Mailing Lists.
  • You can explain how AppleTalk Networks work.
  • Sleep and nightime are no longer irrevocably linked.
  • You arrange to get email access no matter where you go.
  • WAIS is your life.
  • You walk past a Con and people know who you are.
  • You have a definite philosphy of stacking wood for fires.
  • You hear the word “Scuzzy” and the first thing you think of is not an adjective.
  • You went to a high school where the only team with a winning record was the Chess team.
  • You rig up elaborate mechanisms to do really basic tasks.
  • You know about USENET cultures in groups you don’t even read.
  • You put your pathfinder on the web.
  • You get REALLY excited when people from countries with limited access to the ‘net are frequent visitors to your pages.
  • You don’t hand in final papers unless they’ve been formatted on a desktop publishing program.
  • You write web pages about your web pages.
  • Your favorite part of Geometry was proving theorems.
  • You’ve ever contemplated collecting graters.
  • You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.
  • You’ll spend a long time customizing a computer you’ll use for one day to the absolute pinacle of comfort, but you won’t bother to spend two hours sewing up a skirt, and wear the damn thing sarong style.
  • You do your best work after 11 p.m.
  • You work in a building where you need a badge to move between floors.
  • You calculate the odds of getting one of the primo parking spaces in relation to your apartment, factoring in time, weather, season, etc, and are accurate over 80% of the time.
  • You can count the number of moderately good hacker/computer dude type films on one hand. (I promised not to froth at the mouth when I went to go see The Net — I failed miserably.)
  • You’ve bought one of those license plate holders on which you can have your URL or email address embossed.
  • You head straight past People and the always entertaining Weekly World News for this month’s Computer Shopper.
  • You can track the geek gene through your family tree.
  • You froth at the mouth when someone talks about the “Information Superhighway.”
  • You are a member of the USENET elite, invoked in posts in threads to which you have not posted.
  • You can sing Tom Lehrer’s element song.
  • Not only is your computer in the centre of your room, it’s set up so as allow ‘netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.
  • You arrange your jobs so you can telecommute.
  • You organise your CDs, so the tops all face upward, alphabetically, or by record label (If you do more than one of these, you are an Anal-Retentive Geek).
  • You spend a lot of time figuring out which of 100 adult goldfish are the most fertile, have the strongest genes, and combined to produce tiny little goldfish.
  • You carry an 32 gig flash drive to and from work.
  • You can sing “Smooth Rider” from Grease 2. If you do the hand movements while singing, you should get out more.
  • You plot to get your grandmother on Email.
  • You’ve ever contemplated devoting a web page to World News Now.

Jocks Versus Nerds

Is It Better To Be a Jock (Michael Jordan) or a Nerd (Bill Gates)?

  • Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
  • If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
  • If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.
  • If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
  • He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
  • He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
  • If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
  • If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
  • He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
  • Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
  • If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
  • He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
  • While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
  • This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it?


If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins!!