Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina:
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.

A German “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a “handicap” is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

A company called “Guns For Hire” stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown):
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown):
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown):
>A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that:

    1) he could not get to the money from where he was,
    2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
    3) he was bleeding pretty badly.

So he located a phone and dialed “911” for help …

Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown):
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled–leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

What is Said Versus What is Meant

  • While on routine patrol…
    I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
  • The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
    He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN-DON’T FEED THE PIGS”
  • The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
    It was raining.
  • This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
    It was too hot to ride in the car.
  • I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner…
    The dirt-bag let go with an “Oink” as I walked by.
  • Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
    He puked on my uniform one night…
  • The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past…
    I’ve got two theft cases hanging over his head…
  • While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act…
    He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses…
  • The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations…
    I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used…
  • Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in” so this writer entered through the door…
    The rock music was so loud they wouldn’t have heard Patton’s army so I kicked in the door.
  • The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies…
    I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the “Command Post”.
  • I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding…
    She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.
  • The Chief appeared at the scene and took command…
    I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
  • Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
    It was my bowling night…
  • The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
    He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.
  • Using only enough force to restrain the subject…
    My favorite song is “Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life”
  • The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment…
    I told him he didn’t have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

Criminally Stupid

FLORIDA: A man stole a 2001 Toyota Camry and in what can only be described as “not a bright move” proceeded to park in a handicapped spot with the stereo blasting.

In his continuing stupidity, after a cop pulled up and told him to move he told the officer he was paying for a phone card and would only be a minute.

While he was in the store the cop ran the plate and then called for backup. The man fought being arrested but was eventually subdued.

Oh yeah, they also found him possession of cocaine. According to jail records, he already was out on bond for nine other charges, including two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

I’m surprised he didn’t just go ahead and hold up the store while he was there.

Cookie Monsters

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”

You Just Can’t Fool Them Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

“What’s a circle fly?”

“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s rear, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.”

Top Ten Signs The Police Chief Doesn’t Like You

  1. He refers to you as “our mascot”.
  2. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
  3. Your locker is also the broom closet.
  4. The job description in your contract includes “crash test dummy” and “pepper-spray test subject”.
  5. He sends you on drug raids – alone.
  6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
  7. He makes up “missing persons” and then sends you to look for them.
  8. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
  9. He lied to you about an “officer exchange program” and put you on a plane to Siberia.
  10. He doesn’t like to be seen with you in public.

A Case for the FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”


“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yeah they did.”

“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

Border Patrol

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself–I’m going to make it hard for him–and says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.”

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green–I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?”

The Blue Jerk of the Highway

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.

The guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?” With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue jerk of the highway, and just what do YOU

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

You May Be A Cop If…

  • You have the bladder capacity of five people;
  • You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience;
  • You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm;
  • Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change;
  • You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you;
  • You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal;
  • You can identify a negative “tattoo to tooth” ratio just by looking at a person;
  • You find humor in other people’s stupidity;
  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac;
  • You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see;
  • You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance;
  • You believe that a “shallow gene pool” should be grounds for an arrest;
  • You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce;
  • You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, it sure is quiet around here”;
  • You refer to your nightstick as your “Dork Slayer”;
  • You believe that chocolate is a food group;
  • You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick;
  • You have wanted to hold a seminar on “Suicide, getting it right the first time;,
  • You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a valid jury verdict;
  • You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably;
  • You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar;
  • You believe the dispatcher is possessed;
  • You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form;
  • You’re not referring to food when you mention vegetables;
  • You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick;
  • You have heard: “I have no idea how that got there,” on more than a few occasions;
  • You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone;
  • You correlate “two beers” with 0.15 BAC;
  • You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car;
  • You believe that it is a “good” death only if it involves overtime;