• You are extremely polite, relentlessly cheerful, stunningly competent and startlingly efficient.
• Your company sells software. You think that has something to do with flannel pajamas.
• The other waiters say that "tips" stands for "To Insure Polite Service," but you prefer to interpret it as "Tinkle In Potato Salad."
• You: "To tell you the truth, I have no clue where the toy department is." Your employer: Toys 'R' Us.
• "Your call is important to us, but you'll have to call back during the non-shredding hours of 5:00 P.M. to 8:00 A.M. Thanks for calling Arthur Andersen."
• Your lack of competence made an impatient Winona Ryder stuff her size-zero selection into her bag and make a break for it.
• That "RTFM" tattoo on your forehead.
• Old football injury left you with a permanently-extended middle finger.
• Your idea of "resolving customer disputes" involves rubber gloves, a tube of K-Y and a live armadillo.
• You enjoy all of God's wonderful creations. Except, well, people.
• Flatulence is okay, but not into the receiver.
• At your last job processing detainees at Guantanamo Bay, you made the prisoners cry.