Due to the current financial situation and probable mergers, the management have decided to implement a scheme to put ALL workers over 30 years of age on EARLY RETIREMENT. This scheme will be known as RAPE, (RETIRE AGED PERSONNEL EARLY).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme, (SPECIAL HELP AFTER RETIREMENT). The situation of people who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme, (SCHEME FOR RETIRED EARLY WORKERS).

A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management deem appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS, (ADDITIONAL INCOME FOR DEPENDANTS OR SPOUSE). These persons may also get HERPES, (HALF EARNINGS FOR RETIRED PERSONNEL - EARLY SEVERANCE). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be RAPED, SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.

However, persons staying on will receive as much SHIT, (SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING) as possible. The management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it can give it's workers.