• "If there's a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who's mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit."
• Four states and a seatmate's life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.
• The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.
• "...and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!"
• Relaxing music for take off is Buddy Holly's Greatest Hits.
• Phish Air's complimentary bong hits are soured by overwhelming stench of patchouli oil, sweat and nine-year-old Birkenstocks.
• The pilot for your trans-Atlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.
• "And we'd like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team..."
• "We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back."
• During her pre-flight demonstration, the flight attendant accidentally inflates her colostomy bag.
• "In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device."
• After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think "North By Northwest Airlines" was a bad choice.
• "Our in-flight movie this evening will be camcorder footage from my daughter Ashley's Little League game last night."
• The pre-flight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word "Goodbye" printed in twelve different languages.