• Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.

• "Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!"

• The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.

• The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver.

• Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.

• Judges not impressed by your "Oh, Calcutta" routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air.

• "And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!"

• First time you've seen points awarded for a "Triple Klutz" and a "Triple Putz."

• The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko.

• The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest.

• During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards.

• Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up.

• Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky.

• More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament.

• Brian Boitano's new program interprets history of male pattern baldness.

• Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.