September 11, 2001

Dear Taliban, Mr. Bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr. Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that We will toast you -- LITERALLY. While we will admit that you are off to an Impressive lead, it is however now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now... Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

• Manager ~ George W. Bush
• Assistant Manager ~ Dick Cheney
• Head Coach ~ Colin Powell
• Assistant Coach ~ Donald Rumsfeld
• Starting Pitcher ~ Norman Schwartzkoff
• 1st Base ~ U. S. Marine Corps
• 2nd Base ~ U. S. Navy
• 3rd Base ~ U.S. Air Force
• Shortstop and clean up hitter ~ U. S. Army
• Outfield ~ Firemen and Policemen
• Umpire ~ None Required * Remember - the manager told you there'll be No discussion; no negotiation!

Pinch hitters as needed ~

• U.S. Navy SEALS
• U.S. Army Green Berets
• U.S. Army Rangers
• U.S. Air Force PJs
• Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:

• 4th Base ~ United Kingdom
• 5th Base ~ Russia
• 6th Base ~ China
• Other Bases (as desired) ~ Pakistan, Japan, Germany, France, Spain, Italy "Turkistan and lots of other ...stans" and more.

Opening Ceremonies:

• Vocal 1: Celine Dion ~ The Star Spangled Banner
• Vocal 2: Lee Greenwood ~ God Bless The U.S.A.
• Vocal 3: Neil Diamond ~ Comin' To America
• Vocal 4: Bruce Springstein ~ Born In The U.S.A.
• Vocal 5: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir ~ Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team ... it won't really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!!!

Sincerely,

On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

P.S. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; 'Cause your ass is ours! Goodbye