• Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.
• Sometimes, we are not thinking about having sex.
• "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.
• Your responsibility for raising children does NOT end at conception.
• Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.
• An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.
• "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.
• Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.
• You have enough ballcaps.
• You have too many t-shirts.
• You're too old to wear a goatee.
• Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one -- we've all heard it.
• A hug is not always a prelude to sex.
• When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.
• Your best friend is an idiot
• Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.
• If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.
• Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.
• A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.
• A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.
• Slapping us on the butt and saying "how bout getting me a cold one" is not foreplay.
• The missionary position is best left to missionaries.
• Rolling over and mumbling "I've got to get some sleep" does not produce an afterglow.
• If it was really good for me...you wouldn't have to ask.