• Rule number one: If you're traveling, never ever eat in any place called "Mom's" -- well, unless the only other places in town to dine are named "Eats" and "Dirty Harry's".

• Rule number two: If you've entered a restaurant in the "Little Italy" section of the town, and you've noticed all the waiters are wearing shoulder hostlers, you'd better just leave.

• Rule number three: If you're waiting in line to be seated at a nice restaurant, you can always figure a wait of two hours or a twenty -- whichever comes first.

• Rule number four: If you're given a choice of tables by the maitre d'hotel, my suggestion is that you always request one near a waiter.

• Rule number five: If you notice that the tablecloth and the napkins are made of a better material than any suit you own, you'd better hope your credit card is not maxed-out.

• Rule number six: If you're in a fancy restaurant & you find you cannot pronounce some dish on the menu, chances are you probably can't afford it either

• Rule number seven: If you've been served bread & rolls while awaiting your meal, and you find the place is using a cheap substitute for margarine, you'd probably better just leave.

• Rule number eight: If you notice a bottle of Maalox along with a variety of other antacids among the condiments on the table, you'd probably better not order anything spicy.