• Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

• Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

• Ritard -- There's one in every family

• Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

• Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

• Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

• Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

• Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

• Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

• Bass -- The things you run around in softball

• Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

• Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

• Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

• Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

• A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

• Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

• Cut Time -- Parole

• Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

• Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

• Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

• Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

• Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

• Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

• Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

• Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

• Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

• Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

• Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

• Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

• 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

• Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

• Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

• Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

• Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

• Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

• French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

• Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

• Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

• Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

• First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

• Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

• Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

• Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie

• Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses