• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.