• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.