The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

• free yorkshire terrier.
  8 years old. Hateful little dog.

• free puppies:
  1/2 cocker spaniel
  1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

• free puppies...part german shepherd
  part stupid dog

• German shepherd 85 lbs.
  Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

• found: dirty white dog.
  Looks like a rat...
  Been out awhile..
  Better be reward.

• 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer

• amana washer $100.
  Owned by clean bachelor who
  seldom washed.

• snow blower for sale...
  Only used on snowy days.

• 2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
  1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

• tickle me elmo, still in box, comes
  with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto,
  excellent condition $6800

• cows, calves never bred...
  Also 1 gay bull for sale.

• 83 toyota hunchback -- $2000

• star wars job of the hut -- $15

• soft & genital bath tissues or
  facial tissue 89 cents

• full sized mattress.
  20 yr. Warranty.
  Like new. Slight urine smell.

• free 1 can of pork & beans with
  purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.

• for sale:
  lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50

• nordic track $300
  hardly used, call chubby

• bill's septic cleaning
  "we haul American made products"

• shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks

• hummels - largest selection ever
  "if it's in stock, we have it!"

• get a little john:
  the traveling urinal
  holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.

• harrisburg postal employees
  gun club

• georgia peaches
  california grown
  89 cents lb.

• nice parachute:
  never opened - used once
  slightly stained

• free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.

• american flag
  60 stars - pole included
  $100

• tired of working for only $9.75
  per hour? We offer profit
  sharing and flexible hours.
  Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

• exercise equipment:
  queen size mattress and box springs
  $175.

• our sofa seats the whole mob and
  it's made of 100% italian leather.

• joining nudist colony!
  Must sell washer and dryer
  $300.

• lawyer says client is not that guilty.

• alzheimer's center prepares
  for an affair to remember

• gas cloud clears out taco bell.

• open house
  body shapers toning salon
  free coffee and donuts

• fully cooked boneless
  smoked man
  $2.09 lb