• You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
• You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
• Your kid throws up and you catch it.
• Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
• You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
• You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
• Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
• You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
• You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
• You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
• You hate the thought of his wife even more.
• You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
• You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.
• You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
• You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
• You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
• You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
• You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
• You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.