- Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
- The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
- The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
- Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
- The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
- With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.
- You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
- Exam room has a tip jar.
- You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
- The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
- Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
- Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
- Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
- 24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.
- Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.