- December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.- December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.- December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.- December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.- December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.- December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.- December 7
Debug Windows XP.- December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.- December 11
Lay Faberge egg.- December 12
Take dog house apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.- December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.- December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.- December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.- December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.- December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.- December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.- December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.- December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.- December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.- December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.- December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.- December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.- December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.- December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.