• Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

• Dan Quayle Virus #1: They're is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt.

• Dan Quayle Virus #2: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

• Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

• Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

• Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all of your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

• Congressional Virus #1: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

• Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

• Ollie North Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

• Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.