• WOMEN'S ADS
• 40-ish - 49
• Adventurer - Slept with all your friends
• Athletic - No tits
• Average looking - Has a face like a basset hound
• Beautiful - Pathological liar
• Contagious Smile - Does a lot of Ecstasy
• Educated - Banged her Political Science professor
• Emotionally Secure - Medicated
• Feminist - Fat ballbuster
• Free spirit - Junkie
• Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as a slut
• Fun - Annoying
• Gentle - Comatose
• Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
• New-Age - All body hair, all the time
• Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
• Open-minded - Desperate
• Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
• Passionate - Sloppy drunk
• Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
• Professional - Certified Bitch
• Redhead - Bad dye-job
• Reubenesque - Grossly Fat
• Romantic - Looks better by candle light
• Social - Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
• Voluptuous - Very Fat, Weight proportion w/ height.
• Hugely Fat - as tall as you are wide
• Wants Soulmate - Stalker
• Widow - Drove first husband to shoot himself
• Young at heart - Old bat
• MEN'S ADS
• 40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
• Athletic - Watches a lot of NASCAR
• Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
• Educated - Will patronize the shit out of you
• Free Spirit - Banging your sister
• Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie
• Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
• Good looking - Arrogant
• Very good looking - Dumb as a board
• Honest - Pathological Liar
• Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
• Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy
• Mature - Older than your father
• Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
• Physically fit - Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
• Poet - Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
• Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks
• Very sensitive - Gay
• Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once
• Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
• Thoughtful - Says "Excuse me" when he farts