THE WOMEN

• 40-ish
  48

• Adventurer
  Has had more partners than you ever will

• Athletic
  Flat-chested

• Average looking
  Ugly

• Beautiful
  Pathological liar

• Contagious Smile
  Bring your penicillin

• Educated
  College dropout

• Emotionally Secure
  Medicated

• Feminist
  Fat; ball buster

• Free spirit
  Substance user

• Friendship first
  Trying to live down reputation as slut

• Fun
  Annoying

• Gentle
  Comatose

• Good Listener
  Borderline Autistic

• New-Age
  All body hair, all the time

• Old-fashioned
  Lights out, missionary position only

• Open-minded
  Desperate

• Outgoing
  Loud

• Passionate
  Loud

• Poet
  Depressive Schzophrenic

• Professional
  Real Witch

• Redhead
  Shops the Clairol section

• Reubenesque
  Grossly Fat

• Romantic
  Looks better by candle light

• Voluptuous
  Very Fat

• Weight proportional to height
  Hugely Fat

• Wants Soulmate
  One step away from stalking

• Widow
  Nagged first husband to death

• Young at heart
  Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

• 40-ish
  52 and looking for 25-yr-old

• Athletic
  Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

• Average looking
  Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

• Educated
  Will always treat you like an idiot

• Free Spirit
  Sleeps with your sister

• Friendship first
  As long as friendship involves nudity

• Fun
  Good with a remote and a six pack

• Good looking
  Arrogant

• Honest
  Pathological Liar

• Huggable
  Overweight, more body hair than a bear

• Like to cuddle
  Insecure, overly dependent

• Mature
  Until you get to know him

• Open-minded
  Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

• Physically fit
  I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

• Poet
  Has written on a bathroom stall

• Spiritual
  Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

• Stable
  Occasional stalker, but never arrested

• Thoughtful
  Says "Please" when demanding a beer