• Hot Flashes
  You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
• Night Sweats
  The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
• Mood Swings
  Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
• Memory Loss
  You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
• Irritability
  Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f**king Nelson."
• Sleeplessness
  The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
• Fatigue
  You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
• Mild Incontinence
  You change your underwear after every sneeze.
• Sudden Weight Gain
  You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
• Dryness
  You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
• Female Hormone Deficiency
  You take a sudden interest in"Wrestlemania".
• Hormone Therapy
  You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.