• Phone conversations last 30 seconds.

• You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.

• A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

• Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

• You can open all your own jars.

• Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight.

• When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.

• You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go.

• You can go to the bathroom alone.

• Your last name stays put.

• You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.

• You can kill your own food.

• The garage is all yours.

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."

• Cleaning the toilet is optional.

• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.

• Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.

• None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

• You don't have to shave below your neck.

• You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.

• If you're 34 and single, no one notices.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

• Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything .

• You never have to worry about other's feelings.

• Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

• You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

• You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me."

• One mood, all the time.

• You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.

• Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

• Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks.

• You don't care if someone is talking behind your back.

• You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.

• The remote is yours and yours alone.

• You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.

• If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

• If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

• You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.

• If you retain water, it is in a canteen.