• Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

• Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

• Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

• Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

• Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

• Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

• Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

• Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

• Never give her a straight answer.

• Take up yodelling and practice a lot.

• Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

• Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

• Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

• Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)