• You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.

• When I met you, I thought about becoming a Satanist, but then I decided that worshipping you could give you the wrong idea about our relationship.

• I know how to push all my wife's buttons...now if I could only find the one marked OFF!

• I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

• Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: what the F@!% was I thinking?

• As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

• They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.

• When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

• I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

• I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

• When we first met I was anti-abortion. I've changed my mind.